Pee to pay, Paris and Priorities

So some times you walk through a park and see this:

And then some times you go to a restroom because you need to pee and have to pay like this:

Tomorrow is Paris! I cant wait to see it all. I wish there was more time but I'm so happy to get the experience at all.

Today we had a speaker who made me think maybe I really do want to consider moving here after school. Obviously it is a huge decision and one talk would never sell me, but it seems like something that I might truly like. This place is just so amazing.

How could you not want to be somewhere that media surrounds you? That is why we are in the field of communications.

I cant say that I see myself riding the tube every day, or even being able to adapt to their accents... and lets be honest, I will never look the correct way down these streets without second guessing myself. But this place is pretty awesome. And we are only young once. They always say we are supposed to move somewhere crazy and make something of ourselves. It's just about my time.

Day two

Start my day off with this view? Don't mind if I do! Here is a little snap shot from Hyde Park, just a few blocks away from our hotel. Decided to go for a little morning jog around this beauty with one of my class mates. 


I can't even begin to describe how wonderful this place is. Nothing can get me down. Three hours in an archives building? Yes please! Walk around listing to a guide make Jack the Rippers murders seem like a comedy show? I'll take that too!


My feet are pounding, and I have probably collected more germs on the subway than a small child. But ladies and gentlemen... I have spent 20 years in Austin and 2 in Lubbock and cant find my way around the towns as good as I can London. It has indeed been a crazy day, and an even more surreal experience than I was expecting as we visited the University.


I have always assumed that the students in London would get jobs much easier than I would. It was shocking to hear they are in fact in the same boat as me. Maybe even worse. Speaking to two print journalism students they told me there are not even small markets to start at like in the states. Where I will have an opportunity to begin at the bottom and work my way up they practically have to wait for the old gal at the top to croak and beg for the position. 


Though begging wont work either. 


It is insane to know there are so many people struggling in this field. Crazy that people will work so hard, these girls 80 hour weeks, only to know in the back of their mind it wont pay off in the form of employment once everything is over. Scary to think. 

Day One

Today marks the start of my London blog adventure. It will track my days here starting with number one:

Wow, I'm finally in London! I never thought the time would truly come. Sure I have spent weeks packing and preparing while trying to rush through finals, but this is insane!


It took me the entire first day to actually understand I was not in Texas any more. Seeing the London Tower and the London Eye all lit up really did it for me. But the more I let my surroundings set in and get used to my new life for the next 11 days I'm starting to realize just how wonderful this place is.


The most wonderful difference so far are the people. They are just like us in every way, yet the exact opposite at the same time. For instance, their beauty. They are all beautiful. It's like walking in a constant runway show, except you are 5 foot 2 and don't have bone structure so pristine it could cut glass... they do. I can't even decide what it is that makes them so beautiful. In most ways they look just like us, but everything is enhanced. 


And these people, they are so fit. It make sense because they walk everywhere, though today I saw a guy order a two course meal in Starbucks. If someone from the states did that everyone would look at them like they were mad.
Also, did I mention their speech? Once you "mind the gap" in translation and get around the barrier of calling a trashcan a rubbish basket you see how beautiful their speech is. They speak with such thought, every sentence complied with care and mind of what exactly they want to say.


Coming to London the last thing I was expecting to be so intrigued by were the people. So many times I was told "They are just like me," and "There wont be any difference besides the accent." Boy were those people wrong. The British are fantastic.

London calling

Be here in less than 48 hours? Oh don't mind if I do! It is finally the time I have been waiting for... I have finished the longggg classes, packed my bags, and in just a few short hours will print my boarding pass. Lets be honest, there will be at least two of three instances of kneeling in the airport (I've never been through DFW) and there is a good chance of missing my flight. Who knew they booked flights where people actually couldn't get from one to the other? Not me!


But non the less the time is here. I am about to embark on my 11 day trip to London, with a little weekend of Paris mixed in. I could not be more ecstatic. This wont be another trip to Florida that is for sure!


All I can think about while packing my last few things, not even having to shove them into the suitcase. Good thing I brought room to shop! But, all I can think about is how this would have never been possible without my parents. Once again, they have saved the day.


When I was growing up I of course thought they were out to get me much like most kids do. Not to the extent of most, but come on mom... a 12 o'clock curfew? Really? Though now I'm at that point where all I can do is respect them. Respect them for all of the little flaws, and everything they think they are bad at. Because honestly my parents aren't bad at anything.


I often look at myself and think I could do better. I could have more job offers after school if I would have taken one more internship. Or I could go further if I would have made just a few more A's. Then I stop and think of the good things I have done so far, and how I would never have done them without my parents.


My life has been set around irrational decisions. I need to be a singer, I want a horse, I have to be a cheerleader. But my parents were always right there letting it happen. My dad running me around town to make demos and sending them to record labels. My mom taking me to endless practices for a sport that isn't even a real sport. In the end they probably felt pretty silly, but they did it for me. 


And them going out of their way for these crazy dreams has made me work so hard for the ones I have found to be closer to reach.



This is the stuff parents are supposed to do. This is what mine do. Clearly I'm not going to the olympics, but did you see the sign? It's in London. Where I will be. So there is a small connection... Though either way, it proves my point. 


My parents have made the world possible to me. The day I called my dad, finally realizing this trip was not something I had irrationally thought about, but something I wanted to do. He said yes, and I started bawling. There I was sitting on my kitchen floor, trying so hard to keep him from hearing because once again, they did it for me. They made something possible that would never have been without them. They made my dream come true.

The end of a semester

My bags are packed and my finals over with (they may not be the best but they are done). And as I sit here, trying to find time to fill my final days in Lubbock before my trip to London, I start to look back on this year. I feel thus far this has been the biggest year of growing for me. I've learned some things I can no longer do, and some that I hope to keep working on. But I think it is good some times to go through and evaluate the things you may have over looked during the busy days of work, school, internships and just a little fun.


So here are some of the things I have learned this year:


1) You CAN do too much
Now this is one I have yet to finish figuring out. But I can now say that this year I did too much. Going to classes, working for a magazine, interning with KISS, being involved in two clubs and working at FOX was a little too much. Though I managed to survive, it wasn't easy. And I started to realize at the end of it all that maybe giving yourself an hour or two a day to breath is even kind of healthy. Who would have thought? Going back I maybe would have said no to a few things. Though saying no really sucks. I always felt guilty, which is why I was in the position I was in. 


2) You don't always get out what you put in
It was a hard hitting truth when I finally came to the realization that my so far "dream job" doesn't really think I'm a dream worker. Honestly, I'm starting to think they see me as some what of a joke. It is hard to know you gave a company your all and they can really give you nothing in return. I didn't want to believe it, even spent nights crying over it. But perhaps this is my beginning to a new chapter, there will be a news station that wants me as bad as I want them. The problem with a new chapter is the page before is blank and full of uncertainty. 


3) Finding your thing helps
Everyone has that one thing, it helps them mellow out and allows for a small mental break. For me it is writing. Something I have always loved but strayed from lately just to get by. Which brings up part two of finding your thing. When you find your thing don't lose it because you think you need something else. I halted writing because I thought being a journalist was more important. Funny thing about it, I became a journalist so I could write. Finding that happy medium and keeping the thing you love in the trade you work is difficult but obtainable.


4)Some times things don't go your way
Okay, I know this is hard to understand. At least it was for me. But some times... things don't work out. I hate to admit this because I wanted more than anything for every last hope of mine to work out. But some times they just don't. And when they don't you kind of have to man up and deal with it. Some times I need to stop and take a breath, something I refuse to do in most situations. This year has taught me that no matter how hard I try or how upset I get some times things are out of my hands. Now this trick is learning how to not grasp for them anyways.


5) Waiting does pay off
This has perhaps been my biggest realization because it ties together quite a few things. I have always thought things are definite. You want a job and it isn't ope you wont get it, you like a guy and he is taken you will never have a shot. I have now been proved wrong. And for good reason! I didn't think it would happen, but finally something I wanted came around. And that something began testing my ability to wait every single day. As frustrated as I sometimes get, I always end up smirking at the thought of waiting. For once I can say my waiting has paid off, even once it ends because I can now understand that patience is key. And that time you wait for something you really don't think will come, perhaps that is the time where waiting is best rewarded. 

Five years from now

It's been over 48 hours since I have blogged. Feels kind of weird. But it's finals time so clearly things are crazy here in Lubbock. I just walked out of my last final. Cant decide is this crazy rain is a rejoice or a sign that I did bad... But it is over and that is all the matters!

And with this new found freedom I have deiced it is back to blogging. Thing is I really did miss it the last two daya. This has become my outlet to the crazy world I live in. 

Recently I read a blog of Diana Oats (her stuff is really good you should check it out!) where she received a letter that she wrote to herself five years ago in high school. It was a depiction of where she wanted to be when the letter arrived, and what she wanted to be doing. 

Clearly I am past writing to my college graduated self my senior year of high school, but even still it is hard to guess where I will be and I think it is a great time to write myself a little reminder for years down the road.

Dear self,

Lets get real here. I know you pretty well and all. five year from the day I wrote this would be May 11, 2017. There are a few things I hope for then, and a few things to look out for. 

First and foremost I hope I am happy. But not that skim the surface happy I so often pass off as okay. I want to be genuinely happy. And better than that I want to know what genuine happiness is. There are a few things I think will get me there, so those are the ones I would like to share today.

1) Review your job:

Where are you working? I hope by now you are out of the 125 market for journalism, and I hope you have found your niche. I know when you graduated you were a little scared. Do I go into TV, print or radio? Am I even good enough for any of those? By now you probably are, though I want you to take a moment to make sure you are happy. Remember the times that work got you down, and remember the times it was good. Let there be more good than bad. If not, change it. 

2) Review the love in your life:

You were always so cynical of love and giving it away. I know you didn't hate it, but you were so scared. Being safe was so much better than being hurt. As of now it has started to change. You are getting better at feeling, but look at those around you. Who do you love? Who do you like? Are you giving them your all? I hope in five years you can. I hope you are allowing yourself to feel these feelings that bring so many joy. And better yet I hope you have truly loved. Even if you have lost too. In my mind I want to say at this point you will be broken, with our luck you will have found someone you thought was so perfect, that special someone will have just crushed your heart to pieces. I hope when you read this you realize you did the right thing. That finally opening up was better than shutting down. 

3)Review yourself: 

Lastly I want you to review yourself. I want you to take a good look and make sure you are who you want to be. Right now I hope for you to be happy and healthy. I hope you are sharing your life with someone, be it friend or more, and I hope you are making progress. I hope you have learned to slow down and enjoy those around you. Take time for yourself and find something like blogging, if not still that, which you can do to relax. And most of all I hope you have the courage to change. If you no longer like where you are then move, if you don't like your job quit. And if you haven't found someone or something to keep you happy search harder. 

How things change

There is this one thing I keep coming back to... dreams. But why do we have them? And why do they change? Some dreams stick around, the ones you always go back to. Why is that?

Everyone had those dreams they wish would have come true, and those dreams that seem so funny now.

Here are some of mine:

First, all I ever wanted to be was a singer. Perhaps like Taylor Swift. I wanted to be the best singer out there. To come back to family functions and class reunions and be famous. Honestly, I wasn't even that good. That tid bit did not stop me from begging my parents to relocate to Nashville year after year, give me voice lessons, and make ridiculous demos. When I was younger being a singer was the only thing to be. Singing was all I had.

Though the thing with dreams is that as you get older so do they. Eventually being a singer was a little outlandish, and well, I was past my prime. Now I want to be a journalist. I want to spread news to the public and I want to be trusted to give the truth. I'm starting to find that even this dream is harder to obtain than I thought.

Second is a dream I still wouldn't change. When I was in high school I had a bit of a tiff with my cheer coach and a lot of the girls on the team. It was one big cat fight. I hated it, and myself for that matter. You don't really understand the bottom of the barrel until you are there. And boy was I. This is a story too long for one blog. But I will get to it eventually. Though in this time, as I sat in the hall way hyperventilating, one of the school councilors told me "I see so many kids that would have such better lives if they didn't go through these halls." These words have always stuck with me and is something I hope to one day do something about. For a while it was a goal to me a motivational speaker, go to schools and tell those kids that high school isn't it. One day things will be better.

It is something to think on, but that is a dream I know will never change.

The most outlandish of my dreams... and the longest standing dream. My two story closet. This one right here, no one is going to change my mind on. It will be marvolous. Every inch covered in color coordinated clothes. Shoes will line the walls. A grand staircase right up the middle highlighting my favorite things. See, to me this closet is it. It is the "Congratulations Shelby, you have made it," symbol. clothes have always been the thing I could take pride in. They don't hurt you, they only leave when you get rid of them. I know it sounds crazy, but clothing is a constant, and it feels so good to slip on that new unworn shirt or dress. this is where it's at, and one day it will be all mine.

Lastly, I wanted someone great to share my life with. YES! I know, it is crazy to think I (never going to get married or settle down) wanted someone. But at one point I did. Even knew who the guy was. He is wonderful, the best. We talk for hours, love books and some said we would have nerdy kids with glasses. Another shocker, with him I could kind of think of kids... though they are still creepy.

But that is the thing with dreams, as you get older so do they. I know now he was not meant to be my person. I will always share my life with him, but not on the level I once thought. Since then I have gone through phases. I spent a long time knowing I was not meant for someone else. Not in a pity way, but I really didn't want it. Recently I have been trying to get away from that. Other people are scary though. you don't know what they are going to do, and frankly it's really hard.

When you have something planned

Today I was going to write this great blog about the vegan cookies I have now perfected. The pictures were all loaded and my ingredient list was set. But then life did that funny thing it always does when you think you have a plan... it changes.


PART 1: The realization


It all started yesterday when I had a conversation about after college. And what I was going to do. I just got wind that the place I really want to work, who wont tell me anything, may have told someone else they really want them. Funny how things work out. You try really hard, give them everything you've got, and it isn't enough. 


The only way I knew to describe it was that I was the one they were keeping around but not committing too. And then I started to understand a lot of things in my life right now are just that. So for a moment I was really down. Really upset that people and things in my life keep me around but wont commit. 


Then it dawned on me. They have no reason not too. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm really freaking good at my job, and I'm a really hard worker. See I'm one of those people that are easy to keep around because I will do it all. I will come in early and stay late. I will listen to your problems and drive you home drunk. I am that person that will pick you up and give you everything I have because in my mind making it easy for you makes things good for me.


Which brings me to the second part of this getting slapped in the fact by reality trilogy. 


PART 2: The advice


One of my professors decided to give us some advice for the last day of class. But it was not part of his advice that helped... though his "don't mess with meth" slogan was hard hitting. Did you know to get that stuff out of a house you have to burn it to the ground? Crazy right?


But the piece of information that he gave which stuck with me most was something entirely off topic. Something he didn't even try to say for help. 


"I love my wife so much its embarrassing. She makes marriage so easy." 


And that was when I realized it really can be easy because someone makes it that way. And making things easy isn't a bad thing. One day there will be that person that enjoys it. The one that doesn't just keep you around because you make their life easy. They will commit because they makes yours easy too. 


PART 3: The part I kind of cant talk about


Okay so I know I said there were three parts. But I need to keep this one under wraps for just a little while longer. 


I will say this though. Right now I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know who will be in it in a year, or even three months when I graduate. But what I do know is this is a time of learning and a time to justify. When someone or something isn't giving back what I put in maybe it is time to be done. And if I decide not to be done I need to be confident that what I am doing is benefitting me. 


Because in the end the thing we have left is ourselves, and ourselves alone.

Lemonade day memory lane

Yesterday was Lemonade Day in Lubbock! 3,000 kids singed up, built stands and made sweet drinks. Of course Kristin, Kelsey and I had to join in on the fun! $45 and A LOT of solo cups later we were lemonade day champions. Though it left us thinking of when we were younger. Having one little girl just like me did not help the situation. 

Of course, in the middle of all the hand crafted signs and sticky white fold down tables was one perfectly decorated stand. She had a red and white vintage checker board table cloth, plastic grape stems, and a sweet wooden comment box. 

Kelsey: "Did you get up really early this morning to make your lemonade."

Little girl: "I actually made it last night."

See! She is me. Ahead of the game and everything. How sweet was this little girl? So sweet it almost, for just one second, made me wish one day, about 20 or 30 years from now, I could have a little girl just like her. I mean honestly, these kids were so excited about such a small thing. How sweet is that?

I still remember being a kid and having lemonade stands. In our minds we were the talk of the street. One time we didn't even have enough cups, but since we were in such high demand we asked the neighbors to let us dispose of them properly... little did they know that meant dispose them right back to someone else. Looking back that probably was not the most sanitary decision. 

But the walk down memory lane did not end with us supporting a local event. Later when Kristin and I went to Ulta for a new CHI (those things are really good at breaking right when the year warranty is up) I saw the thing that got me the most. It choked me up and shook my brain.

There she was, hair in ringlets, make up done to a T. Her mom was holding the empty eyelash extension box. This girl was going to prom. Ohh prom, how sweet it was. Really, prom at the time was not the best thing I had experienced. Yet seeing that girl, she looked so young but so grown up, it washed away any dislike I had. 

Watching her mom frolic around the store, getting last minute things and having that look in her eyes. You know, the one where someones kid is growing up. That look of being proud but sad at the same time. This mom was so proud of her little girl and the beautiful woman she was going to be, but sad to see her go. 

It was this look that made me realize just how grown up I am. Kristin and I talked about prom being 4 years ago. We had our last prom almost as long ago as how long we were in high school. Time really does fly, and you never know where you will be until you are there. But seeing that perfect little girl sell lemonade and that beautiful high schooler made me think, maybe growing up isn't as bad as it seems.

To the nights that make up days like this

So today is cinco de mayo... and my day is scheduled to a T with no time to celebrate. See, there is this time in everyones life where this funny thing called growing up happens. We have all these great years of partying and making memories, then all of the sudden we have to change. 


I love where I am now, though I loved where I was when I was having those times too. There are a few that stick out still today. They were the days or nights that were so good you wont ever forget (if you remember to begin with). This will forever be the most unprofessional blog I do, but some times we have to remember the memories that should never be talked about again.

I know what you are thinking, Clearly with a picture of a star fish, I'm going to talk about some crazy beach adventure. But, this story has nothing to do with a beach. It does however, have everything to do with a car, and a very awkward first impression. It was my junior year of college, and we were spending the night at the best "water" bar in town, CACTUS. My friend Molly, who had drank no "water" that night, went to go pick someone up. I knew in my heart it was the best idea for me to go with her. The thing about Molly's care is that the seats in the back folded up so it was one big trunk. Well clearly one big trunk was the perfect place for me to lay out and scream "Play the best party some ever!!" By the way, that song was Stock Yards. Not such the party song after all. Though this position I was in... not the prettiest thing. And definitely not appropriate to meet a guy for the first time in. But as he climbed into the front seat, what did he see? Me... flat on my back... arms spread... and legs too. Molly's only words "What are you doing star fishing in my car?"

Though, like every college story, it wouldn't end with just one part. No no. This night was full of adventure.

Ever heard of Ke$ha? Well I had, and boy did I that night. Bought her whole album off iTunes. Thought it was the best idea of my life. Realized it was not a good idea when I saw the $20 charge the next morning, okay I bought more than one of her albums. I bought every Ke$ha song on iTunes. Sue me. But those songs got us through the pre party. Dancing around an apartment like a wild woman was one of the best moments of my college days. Even better was that one of our friends RKelly, yes the famous rapper, was dancing right along with me.

See I have this signature move, its called the white girl dance. Boy could I rock that move with a few shots of "water" in me. And though that dance was nice, the worst, but probably best, parts of the night was the part I don't remember. Getting home and getting to bed. To understand I must start when I woke up. 

My eyes open to pounding light. I'm uncomfortable and kind of confused. All the workings for a great night right? It isn't until I see my boots... wait my boots? I'm in bed. I feel around. My dress. I'm in my dress.

NOOOO I thought... I missed Low-Hoops!!!!! (Low-Hoops was the party I went to that night, the tickets were kind of expensive so clearly I couldn't miss it) That would be a party fowl.

I frantically jolt out of bed only to catch my bowl of spaghetti just in time. Wait? Spaghetti? Why was there spaghetti you may ask? Good thing when I used to drink "water" I would always end the night making a meal, and never eating it. It never failed, I would fall asleep upright in my bed with the food perfectly in place. Woke up that way too. 

See, this is embarrassing, but I don't mind embarrassing myself when there is a meaning behind it. And I think this is the perfect time. We do these things because we think it is fun. And frankly it is. But one day we do have to stop doing them. One day it is no longer okay to be drunk at 11 or go out in public wearing shacking clothes. One day we have to grow up. Not that we have to stop having fun, but it is called college for a reason. It is the time we can get away with acting like a kid when we really should be adults. It is the time that we should live it up, and have days like cinco de mayo.

One day our nights at Cactus will turn into one margarita after work, or a glass of wine with dinner. I can't say I'm upset about this, because I'm not. Frankly my body can't handle Cactus like it used too. But fun does change when you grow older, even though we aren't that old.

To those of you who aren't doing adult things today, I hope you have a blast. Have it for those of us who no longer do, because one day you wont want to either any more, (or more accurately you wont be allowed to) but you will never forget the times you did.

Remember when

Today I thought it would be a good day to think about the things I miss. The things I used to have and do that I no longer can. Everyone has things they miss, so here are some of mine:

1) Security

This is my nephew and dad... Note the bike. My dad made it himself. I miss this. I miss knowing my dad was riding right behind me, ready to pick me up when I fall. It is something we take for granted when we are younger. Those pesky parents that wont get out of your business. But honestly, they just want the best for you. And even more, they want everything for you. The security a parent brings is like nothing else you can ever feel. Just think about it. They would do anything for you. They will go to the moon and back. Empty out a bank account and give their life for you. Your parents might not always have a lot of money, but they always have a lot of love. And that is something you shouldn't take for granted. I look back now and wish I would have understood this earlier.

2) Cheerleading

So here is the thing with cheerleading. It isn't that I miss being a cheerleader. High school did a pretty good job of helping me hate the title cheerleader. But the cheerleading itself I miss. Throwing girls in the air. Testing your ability on a daily basis. Throwing your body around only to hope you land on the ground feet down. Gosh it is a good feeling. A lot of people give cheerleaders a hard time. I completely agree with them that it isn't a sport. But honestly I wouldn't want cheerleading to be a sport. The whole point of it is to be on a team and never work as one. In cheerleading you are all on your own, you determine your greatness. You bust a tumbling pass and your teammate cant run up beside you to correct it. Cheerleading was a fight that I didn't mind having and one I often wish I still did. Yes, I do stop and stare in awe when EPSN plays Worlds. 

3) Lack of fear

When we are young our biggest fear is not being popular. And at the time, that fear is huge. But as I've grown up I have started to realize there are a lot of things to fear in this world. On some level I think we need fear. We need to be scared, it helps us take risk and learn life lessons. But some times the fear is overwhelming. And you don't really know how much there will be until it is all here. One day I woke up and all the fear just hit me in the face. Good morning Shelby here is a freezing cold pale of fear water, let me pour it on your face. So now I fear. I fear where I will be come August. I fear how I will pay my rent and student loans. I fear that I can make something of myself and that one day someone will like me. There is a lot of fear out there and to be completely honest I would trade it all in to be the unpopular kid.

4)Sleep overs

More than anything in the whole world I miss sleep overs. High school sleep overs were the bomb.com. 15 of us would pile into my small house, lay on mounds of blankets, and watch FRIENDS all night long. At the time we thought my sister was really nice and would bring up to get What-A-Burger every morning... now we know she was hung over. But sleepovers are just so great. So carefree and fun. Last year I begged my roommate to have a sleepover in the living room with me. I offered the couch for her because I love the floor! She said no. Well really she said yes and then snuck out in the middle of the night! Gosh do I miss sleepovers. Honestly they may be the best indication of being a girl and being young. You can bet your bottom dollar when I'm older I will have sleepovers equipped with cocktails and pajamas.

5) Dreams

I don't miss this the most, but I truly do miss it. When you are younger you can dream so big. You don't have to worry about failing, anything you can think can happen. But as you get older, like I have said before, you have to throw away dreams and start working towards reality. As a child you are so naive, but it is such a good thing. Being naive as a child means you want to one day strive. Being naive as an adult says you need to grow up. But growing up is hard and scary. Dreaming is so simple and fool proof. The time when you realize you can't be anything you want and have to be the thing that you are comes out of no where. And frankly it's terrifying.

Why not just say it?

The other day I was talking to my roommate about how hard it is to just say how you feel. We don't know when this happened, it seems we used to be really good at it. But lately, things are harder to say.

It's hard to tell someone no, or to tell a boss what you want from their company. And guys, it is really hard to tell a guy what you are thinking. Even when it is in no way related to feeling. 

But why is it we don't want to tell someone something even as simple as you hurt my feelings or what is the deal here? 

I took a while to think this over, honestly at first I was coming up pretty flat. And then it finally dawned on me. We don't say anything to avoid rejection. We tend to get ourselves into situations where we are comfortable, even if there is something small not right, and don't want to change that. 

Though thinking about the larger picture, it is just really scary to say things. I can point out quite a few times when my palms have gotten sweaty, heart began to race, and I wanted to word vomit... along with cry. And it ends with some one word answer that doesn't really help the situation. 

Until some times when it doesn't. Sometimes we think that finally saying something really will help. Maybe it will make you feel better or solve a problem. But when it doesn't we retract back to our manner of not saying anything. Because honestly, not saying anything seems a lot better at the time than saying something and being rejected.

See, I'm really bad at telling people how I feel, and when I finally do, most of the time I don't think they care. So what would be the point of saying something when the person you are saying it to is just going to blankly stare?

And for guys, well it is pretty obvious that I am terrible at this situation. My motto, if it isn't broke then don't try to fix it. I've tried to fix it before... and it ended with me having to fix myself. Being open with someone is thrilling, but you don't want to go too far. Push them to where they walk away. When you find someone worth keeping around you want them to stay. 

The thing I haven't figured out though, is how long can this last? Can you go forever without bringing up something you think about? That sounds quite silly. There isn't really a sign that it will get easier with time, or when the time is right. But thinking about saying something minor, like where do you see this going? Or are you okay? And it turning around to bite you in the butt would be so devastating. 

I guess it would be better to know now than down the road. Yet that is the problem we have. We talk ourselves into thinking the defeat will be easier to cope with in a few months than now. 

Yet this is the problem I see larger than just telling someone how you feel. It is that we automatically thing it will be bad. What if just once you said something and got the answer you wanted to hear? What if you asked how you made someone feel and instead of them leaving you in shambles they said they were really happy? Our problem may not be that we are scared of the outcome, it is that in our mind we have already made one. 

Being healthy is living healthy

Don't worry, this is in no way one of those post that is everything you need to know about how great working out and being healthy is. Honestly... I haven't figured that answer out yet. I really hate being healthy. 


A salad will never fill me up. And veggies? Are they even real? It is true, I am a vegan, but probably the worst vegan around. Oh those fries aren't fried in the meat grease? Load me up!


See I'm only in this predicament because I abused my body for so long. Sure, you can blame it on hereditary behavior, but my great grandma was not the one shoving two H.E.B. hamburgers, nuggies and an entire bottle of ketchup down my throat every day.


But I'm beginning to realize the further away I get from wanting to be healthy the easier I find it to be.


When I was in high school I was big. And I don't say that to get pity comments, go look at my pictures and you will see. Most of the problem was due to a medication I was taking. I woke up one day and bam! 50 pounds just covered my body. I didn't even realize it until I looked at a picture a few years later. funny thing about it, everyone else did notice. 


You would be amazed at the difference in peoples character when you lose weight. First off, and I mean this in a completely non judgmental way, but a lot of people only really care what you look like. It was funny to see the guys who didn't give me the time of day in high school all of the sudden stop to say hi in a crowded room. I don't blame them honestly, but it is funny to know my face still looks the same and I'm still as quirky as before.


one memory stands out to me more than any other. We had a themed party in high school "CEO's and office hoes" (thanks for letting me borrow your button down blouse mom!). So at this party of course I was an office hoe which meant I wore spanks and a bra... nothing else. My cheer coach was holding a picture up of me. I knew I was screwed. She was kicking me off the team. Lets be honest, that was too slutty for anyones own good. 


The words right out of her mouth: "I'm so glad you feel comfortable to wear things like this. I know you have had trouble with your weight." BAHAHAHAHAHA, WHAT?????? Real life right there. That coach taught me a lot about life... even if all of it was incredibly messed up.


I was lucky in the way that when I found the problem (the medication) and got off it, the problem solved itself. I have never been a skinny girl, but I was never as big as those high school days. Though, the thing I found with weight, is once the problem is addressed it never goes away.


Don't jump to conclusions, I have never had an eating disorder. But after seeing the way my body could change I did want to change it more. I started by going vegetarian, wow does not eating meat help you lose weight. And it was something to fixate on. How many days can I go with no meat? It got easy quick. So then I found this small meal plan. How small of meals can I eat and still not be hungry? And how many times a day can I work out? 


Two was the number. I worked out two times a day. And it was great! I was looking good, feeling good, and loving life. Until one night, I was not loving life anymore. Frankly, there may have been alcohol involved. And a scale... there was a scale. 


Like I said, that is the thing with weight loss, once you know it is there it doesn't go away. And once you have seen yourself big, it is really hard to see yourself small. It is nice to come back to high school friends and hear the comments "Wow you look so good," "You are so tiny now." But it is hard to hear them when you don't believe it. 


Sure, I know I am smaller. Though the numbers I see on the scale hardly match what I see in the mirror. There is still blubber to be pinched and curves to be toned, I'm working on it. 


The thing with my fight against weight is that I have always been extreme. I was extremely big, and then I was extremely into working out and eating little to nothing. It is now that I see there has to be a happy medium. Some of it has come because I simply don't have time. Honestly, I know that is a crummy excuse but for me it works. 


I don't have time to run for an hour a day, so I settle for running on the weekend and only doing weights during the week. And I don't have time to starve myself all day and feast at night, I have to plan out my meals ahead of time. 


I know my journey with weight is not over, but no ones ever is. The thing I think it is best to know is that your body does rule your life, but only you can choose if it is the problem or the solution.

Gossip gets you no where

There is one thing I can confidently say about gossip. Keep your mouth shut! 

Okay, if you are a girl and you are reading this don't act like you haven't said something behind someone else's back. We've all done it. I know I have. And let me tell you,karma is really good at showing people what's up.

There have been two instances in my life where gossip kicked me in the butt. The first one is a story for another time... but the one I would like to share with you today is something I like to call the "text message break up." 

Now this blog is for me to share my experiences, write them down so I can remember later. The good and the bad. But it is not for me to do anything to hurt someone else. Some people know this story, but I won't be saying names for those who do not.

The situation that caused me to rethink the meaning of gossip took place in a bar. Well kind of... I was at a bar (drinking water) and I got a text message. My stomach dropped immediately. you don't get a message that long and it not be bad. 

In order to not throw anyone under a bus I will not be giving details of before. I will say at this time I don't think anyone was even at fault. Honestly, there are just some people that should be friends on different levels. That is something I have learned recently. You can be friends with anyone as long as you find the right level. You can't tell everyone everything, some people just need to be people you smile and say hello to.

So back to the text message. It was long. And it was pretty brutal. But there was one line I read over and over in my mind. 

"Frankly you are a terrible person and a horrible friend."

At first I was angry. Angry that someone who I didn't consider a friend could say that. But then I came to the realization that me being a good friend was not the issue at hand. Honestly, I did the things I should have. I took her to the hospital when she hurt, and besides that there wasn't much left for me to do. 

But again, that was not the matter at hand. The matter was that the things I was being accused of were in fact gossip. Though at the time that I said them, I truthfully did not think they were. I did in fact gossip about her, but that wasn't even what she was bringing up. It is so hard not to gossip when everyone else is. sad thing was I learned my lesson on gossip in high school. Don't say things you don't want others to hear. What I didn't learn was that sometimes even sharing your honest thoughts will get you into trouble. 

I was a coward back then and did not confront the problem once it happened. I also see now this made it worse. But truthfully I didn't know what to do. I was shocked that what I thought was acceptable behavior just kicked me in the butt like karma. 

You may be asking, what exactly is all this babble coming to? Well, I know it won't help many... but I think maybe my experience can help some. We are always told "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all." But the meaning seems to go deeper than that. 

I'm not saying you can never say anything at all. Everyone needs to vent some times. But you have to be very careful with the people you do it towards. I usually tell my mom. She is the only one that won't tell anyone else. Well maybe my dad or sister, but honestly what are they going to do? 

That is the thing with gossip. Even when it isn't gossip, it just is. That is the challenge. You have to find things to talk about that aren't people. Sure, if you have a concern for someones health it is okay, but besides that think of other things. 

Now I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm not at all. I still slip up and probably always will. We are human, it is bound to happen. But honestly, we have to try. In the end, friends or not we are all girls, so what is the point of causing problems with one another?