Over the past two months I have taken 27 hours of classes and am about to graduate. I work 40 hours a week, and every once in a while I get to watch a TV show. This sounds pathetic, but it was exactly what I wanted to do for so long. Funny thing about your dreams, they don't always come true.
I have yet to find a job and have just less than two weeks before I walk that stage into the threshold of adulthood. It has taken me a very long time, a handful of freak-outs, and 60 emails to realize it is going to be okay. Now don't get me wrong, I still freak out, but more and more it is becoming clear that my fears are just as big as I let them be.
See as graduation gets closer people keep telling me how crazy I am. "You are crazy for graduating early, you will regret it more than anything in your life." I don't want to be that girl, but as the days rolled on and the inbox stayed empty the reality of the comment seemed to creep up on me.
Just a few days ago I was able to come to terms with the fact that maybe, just maybe, this is really the way it is supposed to pan out. I don't have to be the grouchy 30 year old telling the poor college kids to hang onto their every last day. Honestly, I am happy to say I finished what most take five years to do in three. Sure I am young, and sure I have a lot to learn, but some times learning isn't a mistake. Sometimes it is the right thing.
I just turned 21 and thought I was going to be so cool by having my big thing be driving the FOX car around the parking lot (you have to be 21 to be on insurance). My work friends surprised me and my big thing ended up being not remembering my birthday. I wouldn't change it for anything. Their actions showed me you truly can have fun and be an adult. You don't have to miss out on the good things by doing the right thing. Being surrounded by my friends and roommates felt good.
But doing the right thing is something I struggle with. The other day I started thinking about things I need to do and not do. See, I'm really bad at saying things I truly feel. Confrontation makes me want to vomit and faint, serious conversations always end in tears, and well... no one wants to throw others under the bus even when they know its not their fault.
Pondering this (instead of diligently working) I realized there are some things I really wish I would have said. Today someone I respect greatly told me the way she feels less vulnerable is to write it down... so here goes nothing:
1) Yes, it did hurt when you were not there. It hurt really bad to know I tried so hard for you and you just left. But worse was that you asked, because there was no way for me to say no. It hurt then and it still hurts now.
2) Frankly I am not bad. I am good. Really good. I try hard and love what I do. That is what makes someone good. Also... you are the only one who did not compliment the sock!
3) You are my perfect friend. You help me in the hard times and laugh with me in the good. When I think of you I think of serenity and love it.
4) I cant do this without you.
5) I want to tell you I wont hurt you but it scares me. I've said it before and you hurt me. I want to get to know you. My only ulterior motive is to show you how wonderful you are. To me you are so wonderful.
