When a rush is not enough

The first symptom of the process of us killing our dreams is when we say: "I'm very busy right now"- Paulo Coelho

For a long time now I have said I don't do too much. I'm fine, I can take on another project, I can go to that event. Well I am now announcing... I DECLARE I CAN DO NO MORE!! 

Michael from The Office declared bankruptcy and his problems went away in the next episode, so I'm doing the same. Time to go to bed and in the morning it will be alright. 

Kidding... I'm well aware that won't happen. If life worked that way I would be one happy lady.

But running from place to place this morning and getting more done in the first three hours of my day than most get done in 24 this quote was running through my head. I found it a week ago, immediately deeming it my FB status, and realized what I thought was helping me was really hurting me.

It all started last year when everyone and their mothers said if I didn't have 20 internships, 12 part time jobs, and 97 honors I would never get a job. I figured it was time to get on the ball. So I got an internship with a radio show in Austin. It was great, I liked it so much I got another. Now I have an internship, two jobs, and classes along with being an active member in two organizations. I don't say this to brag. I say this to warn! 

Here is the thing. I cant say no. You ask me to write a story I say yes. You ask me to come in early I say yes. You tell me to jump off a cliff... well if it will get me out of everything I have to do I'll say yes. 

So where is it that we draw the line? And why are there such high expectations for us everywhere?

See, I'm fine with doing all these things. I was actually doing a great job at it. Until one day I was not. Everything now is a struggle. An extra email seems impossible. And when I have to finally say no I cant. This may sound goofy, but some times my body aches because there is so much going on.

But it is expected. The university expects you to make them look good by getting yourself out there, but when you don't have time to do what they want it isn't okay. And you want to go to your internships as much as you can because that gives you experience but then you fail to get your school work done and can't get a job anyways. 

Understand this vicious cycle I'm getting at? There is no time to breath any more. Really, for a while I refused to drink water because going to the restroom took up too much time. I'm not sure this is right.

I get that we are supposed to be busy, but some times I think I can be superwoman, and that just isn't happening. 

Where is the happy medium though? And can you turn back now?

This is the problem I'm having. I feel too far gone to get back on track. I can't quit anything I started because I'm not a quitter. And I don't want to slow down just to realize I'll regret it later. The other day I was thinking a mental break down was sounding pretty good. Why not just accidentally freak out? That could buy me a weeks time right? Then I realized me thinking about this was taking away from my allotted homework time.

The thing is, I know I won't regret the experience I have gained. But some times I wonder how much I am missing out on. Going out is a thing of the past. I don't even know what the inside of a bar looks like. I haven't seen a full episode of anything in months. And will I ever be able to sleep past 7 again? Some times it seems impossible. 

I thought getting out of school quicker would be the best idea. Then I could just have a job. But is that the lesson we are supposed to learn in school? I know we have to grow up, and I understand it isn't as easy as it seems. But is wearing ourselves down now really going to help later? Better question, what happens when I don't make it out alive?

The moment it all hits you

Ohh these shelves. Still not complete, but maybe the largest life lesson in the making I have ever had. So you know that day when everything hits you? You fall on your face and drown in your tears? These shelves were it. 


It wasn't the shelves per say, but more the events leading up to them. 


Let me bring you back a few weeks... the week I found out I was graduating this coming August. At first I was ecstatic, I have been trying to get out of school for some time now, that way my two jobs, internship, full load of classes and  active member of various organizations list could be chopped down to one full-time, contract binding job.


But here is the thing they don't explain when you decide on a whim that you want to graduate a year early... You are going to freak out. 


Now this freak out was not one rapid movement. It worked it's way up over time. First I was a little concerned when I found out the company I have been trying to prove myself to may not have a position opened. There were a few tears (or a lot according to my mom). Senses heightened as I began to realize I was signed for a years lease at an apartment I perhaps won't be living in if I can't stay in Lubbock. And no way to pay for it without an income. I asked if Monopoly money would work and they said no.


Things get a little scary when you start realizing just how adult you have too be. The truth is even us who did not come from wealth, that being me, are very protected. You don't think about everything your parents do until you see you might have to do it on your own. No more extra money every month just because I'm me and I am living (allowance), no more gas card, no more cell phone bill paid for (goodbye iPhone you are far too expensive for a journalist salary), and NO MORE SHOPPING BECAUSE I NEED A BREAK. This is perhaps the hardest for my to cope with. Seeing that when this mental break down occurred I went straight to T.C Ellis. 


Here I was, a few nights in of crying to my mom, and one night of crying to my roommates. They are so sweet trying to help me not feel so alone. But that is something else they don't tell you when you are going to graduate. You are completely alone. The only people that seem to truly understand what you are going through are those going through it too. And they are too busy crying their eyes out to talk. 


So, trying to be an adult, and trying to cope with the real world that keeps slapping my in the face, I have begun to do outlandish things that in my mind seem adult like. I buy flowers all the time for our house. And I try to decorate like an adult, which is where the shelves come in. 


The thing being an adult doesn't teach you... how to use nails. Good thing I am a winner when it comes to punching un useable holes into a wall. 


I probably should have never taken on the project, the day had already taken its turn. See my mom was supposed to fly in that morning. She got to the Austin airport an hour and a half early and still didn't get through security in time. It was almost like the universe wanted me to go down in flames. And boy did it get its wish. 


Perhaps I should let you in on this secret of mine, I have no feelings. I cry maybe once a year and it is usually because of some completely irrelevant commercial. And when I see others crying I tense up, it freaks me out. I don't know if I should hug you (I don't like hugs) or leave you alone. It usually ends in the medium awkward back pat. But these shelves, man did they get me good. 


Assembling them started out hard. I put the screws in but didn't know there was a mount for the wall. I put the mount on but didn't know there were protectors for the screws. I put the protectors in but didn't know our walls were as thin as the 1st bears house and a big bad wolf called my hammer blew it all down. Almost literally with these gaping holes. 


It was about my 5th attempt to get the shelf on the wall that my life came crashing down. I fell to the floor bawling. I couldn't move, I couldn't see, I was doing that awful gasping thing kids do when they cry too long. I was a wreck, and all over some shelves.


Though after the tears had cleared and my mom finally got on a stand by flight, she was so determined she got to the airport four hours early this time, I realized it was not the shelves at all. It was me being scared. And me not being able to see my mom, because we all know there is nothing better, or worse, than seeing your mom when you are freaking out. 


I'm still scared for my future. There is no telling what will happen, how I will pay for things, where I will be, and if all my work has paid off. I truthfully don't know anything, and have no good outlook. But I don't think I'm the only one. The job market is scary, but we have to get out there. Just a few weeks ago I was a dreamer, figuring I could be a journalist anywhere my heart desired (in a plausible market size of course), now I know that isn't the case. 


The thing about dreaming is that your ability is all you need. If you want it bad enough and you work hard enough, in a dream you will get what you want. Life isn't actually like that. You can work as hard as ever, but don't have the right color hair or fall into the right laps and you won't get the job. 


Everyone keeps telling me I will be fine. Something will happen. I'm sure they are right, but until it does I will worry, because as college graduates that is all we really have to hold onto. Worry. 

If you want to... why not?

Good morning! Here is a little early bird post for waking up too. While I hope everyone got to enjoy their Saturday morning by looking at the inside of their eyelids, I have been awake for an hour (almost two by the time I finished this post and went through for a reread). Why do you ask that I am so crazy? Well today it is because of a puppy. Ms.Jenna to be exact. I'm puppy sitting. Look how cute:

Isn't she precious? This is her wanting to go to a race with her dad... dogs always seem to think if they can just get in a suite case, or in this instant a pre made tent, they will of course make the journey. 

So I got up really early with Jenna and did all the normal doggy things (feeding, letting her out, playing with sticks) all that jazz. And though it is rough getting up early on my day off, and panicking when I'm at work thinking she is sad at home, yes it is a thing to panic for, I really like doing it. 

Which brings me to todays topic, why can't we just do what we want? 

You may be asking yourself,what a stupid question? Of course we can do what we want. But in the realm of dating we can not. Everyone is trained from early on to know the things they can and can't do. Can't say I love you on the first date (HIMYM reference), can't give it up too soon, and my all time favorite. Drum roll please! Can't do too much. 

I am the culprit when it comes to doing too much. I like cooking things and giving little gifts, my aunt is a Houston woman and she taught me well. My mind is programmed to seeing little trinkets and knowing the perfect occasion, or seeing a tray of food and understanding my serving tray would look better underneath. Got silverware? Don't lay them on the table, put them in a mason jar with tissue paper. It's as simple as that.

But it seems to always bite me in the butt when it comes to doing it for guys. Many a times, just like everyone else, I have been left wracking my brain at why doing these things I think are so sweet don't come off that way? It's not like I'm a creep... I just like little gifts.

My roommates always tell me, "You have done enough." "You do too much." "You don't need to make him any more food." Okay I know I sound crazy. I'm not popping out cookies like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, just little things here and there is all. And for a while I really did believe my roommates. I mean they were only trying to protect me, and my wallet for that matter. 

Also, who could deny their comments when reading the book "Why Men Love Bitches" at the same time? I don't know if you have heard of this book... but boy is it a jewel. It's everything you need to know about being the perfect girl. Trust me you will hook a guy in no time after the completion of the last chapter. I mean, with the first page telling you to never make food for a guy, and if you do make sure it is hot dog weenies an coffee, I don't see how you could get better advice!

Back to standing in the yard throwing sticks for Jenna, there was a moment where it dawned on me. What if one day there is just someone who likes the little gifts? Hear me out, I promise I'm not trying to get out of this one. But people always say be yourself. Be yourself in the relationship. Don't hide things, and don't cover up your personality traits. 

Well for me those little gifts are part of my personality. It brings joy to a long day to drop off a gatorade and note to someone who is having an even longer day. And where I did used to look at these gestures as one sided, because no one ever did them for me in return, maybe they aren't all about that. I'm starting to see that a lot of little things on my end and one little thing in return really does pay off when you are happy.

So here is to doing the things you want when you want, in relationships and out. Don't wait until it is too late to show someone the thing you enjoy most about yourself, may it be thoughtful trinkets or not. Eventually you will find someone who enjoy them and that is much better than not doing it at all.

The Tebow before Tebow

Enough deep talk for now... today I am going to let you in on a little story I like to call my most embarrassing moment. Funny thing is what I did a few years ago is now an epic move made up by this guy:

Still can't seem to understand why the move wasn't as cute on me. I mean honestly, I'm just like him.


It all started one rainy day outside of my math class at Baylor University. I went there my first year, and though I have changed schools, I've yet to live down this memory. My roommates now like to call out at any awkward moment 'just kneel'!


Anyways, as I was saying, It was a rainy day on Baylor's campus. Of course I didn't have an umbrella, that would make things way too easy and less monumental. So I'm standing outside my math classroom, there is no window in the door. I still think there perhaps was a window before I got there that temporarally disappeared for the sake of the story.


I guess I should say before I continue. I am freakishly early to EVERYTHING. I'm that person that usually looks late to the 5 o'clock movie, but have no fear! I am just that early to the 8 o'clock one. 


So being comfortable with my early behavior I flung the door open and trotted on in! Walking blindly to my spot  (front row of course) I make a short pause in front of the professors desk. It wasn't actually a desk just a fold out table, Baylor is really good at putting random janky things in their very nice campus buildings. 


And then I realize... That isn't my professor. And those kids in the seats... they were not my classmates. Thankfully it seemed they were just the few late finishers taking a quiz, I say were because once they saw me they stopped. 


Then it happened. The only thing I could think to do. It wasn't rational, it wasn't even normal... I kneeled. I kneeled right down in front of the professors fold out table. And just when you think it can't be any worse, it is. I knew everyone was staring, and I knew I had to make a move. QUICK! So what do I do? Not get up, walk out and dart away like any normal person. Let's be honest, I was way past normal at this point. Normal would have been opening the door slightly to see people and turn around. At least those people get out quick enough that you can't see their face.


These people saw every inch of mine. Because like I said, I didn't stop at the kneel... I went for the planner. Yes. I took my planner out of my back pack. Every last eek of the zipper on my North Face, every last turn of the page. My planner was out and in full swing. Or fake swing? Yes, that is right, I fake flipped through the pages! 


I know what you are thinking, why didn't she just throw herself down and ask to be shot. Because that would have been less embarrassing of course! 


But here is the thing with putting yourself in this position. You either have to stay there forever, or you have to get out. Like Tim Tebow, he may have knelt once to thank his God, but now he has to do it every time. What if the guys knee hurts? Or he doesn't have time? What if he didn't actually like the kneel but did it on accident? Now he is stuck with it. 


Me on the other hand, I couldn't stay in that classroom kneeling forever. Though acting like a statue did seem to be an easier way out. After much deliberation, and flipping through my planner a full two times... I realized it was time. I had to get up.


Slowly placing my planner into my backpack, zipping it up, and raising myself off the uncomfortable floor, I looked around. It dawned on me... these people did not study very hard if they are still taking this quiz!


Though, ladies and gentlemen, don't think this is how the story ends. That would of course not be the good ending you wanted. Though neither is this one. After standing up, and again awkwardly looking around, the professor in the room spoke her first words.


"Is it raining outside?"


Frantically I pat around at my clothes. Wet. Everything is wet. I'm soaking wet! You can see through my shirt, my shorts are clinging to my thighs, and worst of all... my hair has dried into a frizz ball from the length of my kneeling session.


With one big gulp I answer "Yes."


And that is the story of how I Tebowed before Tebowing was cool. Oh until someone from my class walked in a so slyly moved to his seat. A classroom of people didn't even phase him! I darted after like a mad woman and fell into my own seat.


So maybe I don't have a heart-felt lesson today, but one thing I can say is, don't kneel unless you are a football player. It really is the only acceptable way.

Things I wish I would have known

Today I started thinking about things I wish I would have known when I was younger, you know the things you look back on a laugh at. Like the bows I had to wear in my hair that matched my outfit, or the jean vest and Limited Too tanks. Best of all the many cheer routines I had to perform in public so everyone knew I was in fact a cheerleader (obviously the shirt, shorts, jacket, socks, bow and bracelet that said 'love too cheer' wasn't enough)... Sorry mom for so much embarrassment, if I was you I would have left me in a store on "accident."

But then I got to the point where it was things I truly wish I would have known. The things you can't take back now, and can't really laugh about. Here are a few I find pretty important:

1) High school ends

This may be an obvious statement, but high school ends, though when you are walking the halls wanting to be everything you don't get that. I was a cheerleader, captain to be exact, and when I tell people now they think I'm joking. Back then it was all I could do to be the cheerleader everyone knew, and when senior year drama (wont get into details just yet) got in my way it was all I could do to survive. So many times I can remember thinking my life was over. It sounds silly now, but when you are in high school the future is unclear, and you don't think there is anything outside those now such small walls. I wish kids would understand that this isn't it. There are such better things to come. 

2) Parents are great

I'm starting to see the a pattern here that all of my thoughts are pretty obvious. But this is something I just recently started understanding more. In grade school your parents are supposed to be your enemies, but as you get older you understand that isn't the case. When I first went away to college every time I came home it was lining up dinners and outings with friends. It wasn't until I got a big girl job and big girl responsibilities that I began to value the moments I had with my parents. Now seeing them is a treasure, and having to leave to meet up with friends is difficult. You really do learn over time just how much your family does for you. My mom and dad would give the world to see my succeed, and they do. Without them so many of my accomplishments would have been out of reach. It is the least I can do just to give them the little bit of time I have.

3) Dreams are great but work is better

As a child I wanted to be a singer. No, I was going to be a singer. It was a dream, and in it I can still see the innocence I once had. Dreams are great, they help you through life. They give you something to look forward too, and makes your every day life a little more exciting. But one day those dreams have to become reality or they have to be pushed aside. Eventually I got over wanting to be a singer, but I never got over dreaming. As college comes to an end and I start trying to find a job in the world of journalism I am starting to see that dreaming wont get me there. I can hope to be good, I can dream to be bold, but until I work hard enough to earn a spot I will not be what I want. It doesn't make sense to say there comes a time we must stop dreaming, but there is a time when reality takes priority. Except for my two story closet... That is plausible.

 4) Boys will be boys

I know everyone has heard this one! No doubt about it. I think many over look, including myself, that boys don't change. The atmosphere may, you meet them in clubs and not at football games, but you still meet them all the same. It is difficult to understand that college guys don't always want relationships... And by always I mean hardly ever. Don't be fooled by a guy sweet talking you over a drink, if you are walking home from their apartment in the morning you most likely wont be married in a few years. It isn't their fault really, guys think we understand and they don't think they are doing anything wrong. So don't do something you may regret.

5) Friends are hard to come by

In high school you have tons of friends. But you also don't pick them. Sure you have your close group of friends that you chose to do everything with. They are usually the ones that outlast them all. I had a wonderful group of friends in high school and I would still run to their side in a heart beat if they needed me. Though when you get out on your own you realize friends are different. You no longer have to like someone because they are in your class. But with this new found freedom you learn that it is hard to find friends you can truly trust in. Eventually you will, but it may take time. Kind of like dating, testing the waters and remembering there are some that will be there for you and some that just want you to be there for them. Finding friends is hard, but once you find the right ones keeping them should be easy. 

The key to loss

This morning I lost my key... really last night after work. But I came to the realization this morning. I had it when I got home, and I had it when I opened the door, I even had it when I shut the door. But like every time you lose something, your mind goes blank right before it's gone. 

The thought has been consuming my mind all day. I went to work and I thought about it. I made lunch and I thought about it. I am writing this blog and well, I'm thinking about it. The more I thought about it the more it became clear that losing something as simple as a key isn't much different than losing someone or something close to you. 

Sure it is not the exact same thing, I know my key didn't hold me close and kiss me goodnight, but it did protect me. I could lock up my house with it. And if need be it would have made a decent joust towards an attacker (I leave work in the dark).

My favorite show right now is How I Met Your Mother. Much like when Marshall and Lilly broke up and he could no longer go to couples brunch. I can no longer get into my home. It is a simple thing, something you don't think about when the option is always there. But one day it might just be gone. And once it is you realize ALL the things you can no longer do.

I have been lucky in my life to not experience a large loss. Though seeing it happen around me causes question. Like why must we experience loss? Why do people have to leave? And is every situation supposed to teach us something?

If so perhaps I was meant to learn what keeping my keys in my bag feels like. Or maybe it is time to invest in one of those nifty key chains everyone raves about. Okay, no one raves, but I don't use one. It is annoying when the keys cling around, and it hurts my hand to put them on. 

It hurts much like loss does. Loss consumes your every day. It distracts you from getting things done, and it controls your future. If you let it. But why should we let it? Why do we allow the loss of someone or something hurt us? We need to feel pain in order to understand what we want. But once we know what we want shouldn't we just go get it? Can't we find new and better from those things that did not last?

When relationships end it is really easy to remember all the good. But we don't seem to remember the times we had problems. Some cases are different, some people only remember the bad just to push out the good. But for the most part it seems we want to be sad. We want to hold on to this thing that wasn't right. Maybe because hurt is easy. Hurting is safe, it allows comfort in pain. It is when you decide to move up, pick yourself back up and recover that you have to fear.

Sure my key was fine, it did the job. But some times it didn't work, and I had to press it against the door really hard to make the sensor go off. A new key really wouldn't be that bad. It might even be right. Really it would be the best thing.