If I could do it all again

After my wonderful experience at the movies alone yesterday I have been thinking a lot about my own high school days. Looking back I remember a lot of good times, and a few bad as well. The further into my memory I got the more things I began to reconsider. I have to be honest, there are a lot of things I would have changed about those four years. Not like I wouldn't have worn that terrible stripped and polkadotted shirt. We all have those thoughts. But change as in what I did and didn't do. Who I tried to be.

Just think about it. I'm sure everyone has these things they would have done differently.

Like when it was cool to dress hoochy for themed parties and Halloween. If I could go back I wouldn't have worn that Harry Potter dress, or those bloomers and bra. I'd be that girl who wore the long skirt and oversized buttondown jacket. Instead I was the girl in the photo, minus the jacket and boobs, plus 40 pounds. It wasn't a good look. And frankly I hated dressing up like that. But lets be honest, when you are in high school and everyone is doing it you are not going to be the girl who doesn't.

And I would have stopped trying so hard to fit in where I didn't. I was always in the popular crowd but frankly, I wasn't popular. The invites were never sent to my door, instead I tagged along with friends. I was never picked to play on the drunk sand vollyball teams, I just sat and watched. When we would go to bonfires I was always the girl in the corner watching. Not in a creepy way, but kind of in a creepy way... Not that I blame the popular kids. No way, they knew how to talk and have fun, they were cool. Hence the popular title. Honestly I'm just not cut out for that. But high school isn't a place to admit it.

If I could go back I would have quit the cheer team when I had the chance. Crazy thing, but after high school no one really cares that you were senior cheer captain. Most people can't even believe I was. And who knew that professional cheerleader isn't an actual full time job. At least not one that could pay my rent and student loans. Try and tell me that in 2009 I would have thrown a fit. But it makes sense now. I can see past the pom-pom's and spirit stick. Back then that was my claim to fame, now it is just a scrapbook in my closet.

Oh, and that boy I was in love with, Ben King, I would have told him. For sure. Not that anything would have come of it, there was no way he would have been seen with me. But I would feel so much less creepy now knowing I just told him instead of memorizing every song he liked... Oh yeah... that did happened. Kings of Leon's lyrics will forever be bruned in my head, along with his yellow and orange plad shirt. He wore it with a brown puffer vest. Yeah, I'm a freak. You were warned. But in high school you crush, you don't make moves. You wish the guys would talk to you and beat yourself up inside about how un perfect you are.

That is the thing about high school, you really just aren't yourself. You don't want to stand out, and those who do are really trying to fit in too. I hate to dumb down the outcast group, I truly wish you all were the ones who marked the path. The halls would shine so much brighter. But everyone in high school is just the same. You are all fighting to fit in by standing out. If you want to be the best football player, or the darkest goth, the nerdiest nerd, or the prettiest cheerleader. In the end you are all striving for the same thing. If I could do it over though, I'd strive for my own thing.

Movie date with none other than me!

Today I went to the movies... all alone! This has been something I have wanted to do for some time now. The anticipation grew every time I would think about going through with it.

'Okay Shelby, this time you will do it. Just drive to the theater, walk up to the line, order a ticket, and you are done.'

But it never worked out. I never could go through with it. Until today.

This anticipation had been building in me since I realized Perks of Being a Wallflower was showing in Lubbock a mere 36 hours ago. I knew then, that it was the right time. This WAS the perfect movie. See, I just finished reading the book, and falling in love.

I have a habit of being taken away by the pages of a novel and this was no different. Charlie is the misfit-fit in that I can correlate with. And who doesn't love a good high school story? I know I do!

So back to the movies. This experience was going to be one I never forget. I told myself this as I drove up to the theater an hour early. Don't think I was taking this opportunity to be different. No no, I wanted to be my true self, which includes getting everywhere early. For the theater it was a bit too early.

They were closed... awkward.

I waited. Finally getting my ticket I mad a pit stop for the restroom (knowing I wouldn't be interrupting this experience) and found my seat. By the way, movies at 1:30 have maybe five people in them. Glorious.

The next two hours were spent in a frenzy of self-loving, self-loathing, and self-respect. For the first time ever I was experiencing a movie alone. It was thrilling! Every scene was captivating, the movie as a whole was all I had to worry about.

You don't realize how much you try to impress other when seeing a movie. Am I sitting up straight so my date thinks I'm cute? Why won't he hold my hand? Should I laugh right now or will my friends think I'm dumb? My hand... if I put it closer to the cup holder will he hold it? Should I pee or wait so no one has to move? Jesus! Just hold my hand!

All these thoughts are demolished when alone. I laughed, I cried, I crossed and uncrossed my legs with ease. It was a beautiful thing!

Though this experience would have never been the same if not for the movie I saw. Let me tell you something, Perks of Being a Wallflower may be one of my top five films of all time. And frankly, I don't watch movies so that is a big thing to say. It's captivating message carries you back to a time where you can relate. I had heard the novel brought people out of depression, acted like a friend, but I didn't understand the full effect until comparing both. It was simply a beautiful thing.

I sauntered out of the movie fresh and a bit sad. Sad the experience was over, sad that I can no longer say I will see my first movie alone, and frankly sad by the movies message. But that was a good sad.

This time last year

Ever had that moment where you think to yourself "Wow this time last year,"?

Today was one of those days for me.

I was just sitting on my computer in Starbucks typing away when I decided to see what was going on in the wonderful world of Facebook. There it was, smack dab in my face. A status wishing those Kona goers luck. 

This time last year I was diving face first into my first article. I was spending every night and all day making the lead perfect. Being told no over and over by my wonderful professor Patrick, and collaborating with Laura about making this story perfect. 

This time last year I was also balancing an internship and school. Nothing compared to the events that would follow. The months I had ahead would test my patience, skills, and sleeping regime. But not this time. This time I was working on my first article to run in the school newspaper. 

That time last year I thought this was a really really big deal. And It is. It will forever be my first article. But it wont be my last. 

Now I understand that you need time to breathe. That big things will happen when they should in my career. I was doing a lot back then. I still do. But at this time this year I see the need for a break. And I see the need not to break. To give yourself some room to grow and move. The problem with putting so much structure in your life even taking time for a breath will put your plans off track.

This time last year I still enjoyed a drink. I would go out with my friends. Though not as often, I still made the trek out with that scary looking fake I.D. I wanted to be a journalist, but I wanted to be a college student still too. Now I don't. Now I am not. This time last year I was still a youth, still able to mess up and go to my parents. Still allowed to make mistakes that did not curse my future.

And on this very day last year I was running into my house screaming that I had met the man of my dreams. So this time last year my roommates thought I was crazy. Because I was crazy. "Guys!" I gushed. "I have met the only guy I will consider marrying. He is engaged... but that is okay. Now I know why I will forever be alone." I still am crazy. But this was the day I began my journey to find out what feelings are. 

There I walked into the bike shop to meet the subject of my story. I looked up to see it. I say it because at that very moment I didn't know what to call him. I didn't know his name. And frankly he was really tall, like a long lanky attractive limb.

This time last year I was falling. funny thing is, this time this year I'm falling again. On this day this year I'm thinking of someone so wonderful. I'm thinking not seeing because he is far away. Someone who I sat on the phone with for hours last night. He is helping me find myself and the great person I can become. He is someone who I count the days to see. Someone so great again I am left with no words. 

It is funny how a year will change you. This time last year I thought I had it all figured out. This time this year I know I do, but I love the mess I'm in and the journey I am taking.

Home

I went home last weekend. Want to know something they don't tell you when filling out college applications and getting ready to run wild on your own journey? You are going to miss home. Maybe not right at the beginning. Maybe not even until you are out of school and on your own. But one day, you will miss home. 

You will miss the smells. Every house has one. You will miss your parents. They really do get greater in time. Or maybe you get a little wiser and realize how great they have always been. Shoot, I even missed the horrible Austin traffic. Listen people... there is no way you are getting to work by 9 (or even noon) if you leave at 8. Austin has gotten so packed! But I miss it none the less.

I miss my old hang outs. I miss knowing things were secure. I could mess up and someone would be there to help me. Or better yet, someone would be there to take blame with me. 

Home is such a wonderful place and I took advantage of it for so long. 

We all do though. That is the point of home. It is where no one can judge you. And when they do it is all in good fun. Home is where your family is. It is where your first friends were made. Where your grandparents go to rest. Home is the place you can't change, and you shouldn't want too. 

As I travel further away from my home I see more and more how wonderful it is. Knowing you can't just go home, pick up for the weekend because that math test was hard. Or decide you don't want to spend fall break drinking so you jump on the next flight your parents bought you. When you can't go home you want to go home even more. 

It wasn't clear how much I truly missed home until this time. Grasping for every last second I realized there was nothing I could do. I am now on the journey of making my own home. But in my own home my mom doesn't fold all my clothes for me. Or search Whole Foods high and low for those vegan brownies. My grandparents don't slip me money as I walk out the door. And I don't get to sit on their couch listening to them debate politics. When you make your own home it isn't filled with your fathers loud voice, or your sisters crazy antics. Your own home is different because it is yours. 

But I don't want my own home. I want to go back to the old one. I want to lay on my couch when I'm sick with the softest pillow in the house. We know it is the softest because we tested them all. And I want to be told I'm staying out too late. I love that my mom will be sitting up waiting for me when I get home from that party. 

So there I was, an hour into a 30 minutes drive to the airport and I was freaking out. Mainly because I don't like being late. And showing up to the airport an our and 30 minutes before a flight is late by my standards. But also because I knew I would make it. And most of me didn't want too. I didn't want to leave. The more times I leave home the longer it will be before I'm back again. 

And I just really miss home.