In order to be selfless I will be completely selfish with today's good deed. I am a firm believer of saying how you feel. I am also a firm believer that what you don't say will stick with you forever. I have spent my whole life not saying things, and the same amount of time dwelling on them. It is a huge problem. One part of this problem reared it's nasty head at me today, and I am here to beat it with my "Just say it" stick!
Here I am questioning this person who I care so strongly about if he even cares for me at all. And as much as I hate to admit it, I know the reason. The reason drives a red Jeep and lives in Lubbock. The reason is my "ex". I use the quotations because when all was said and done it was quite evident we were never even dating, therefore he can not be a real ex.
But that is the thing. Someone who I meant absolutely nothing too put a prick in my side that has left me walking more bent over than the worst hangover of all times (Cactus I will always love you even if nights with you means morning with my head in the sink) and even worse, it is effecting perhaps the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. But don't get excited if you are reading this "ex", which I know you are not because you never read anything of mine. It has nothing to do with you personally, just the situation at hand. And that I'm a girl. Did you know girls have this horrible trait of never letting things go? It goes great with our new heels and cute dresses...
So today I will say all the things I wanted to say the night you told me I was not good enough for you. I will say all the things I chose to hold in because frankly I am good enough. I see it in myself and I see it in the way he looks at me.
Dear "ex",
It is me, the girl who was not good enough. I am here to return your unintentional lies and discerning looks. The greatest of them being that comment: "You are not good enough." Of course you did not say the words, no no, you always let me do the talking after all. I had to ask you if I was not good enough and you answered with a simple "No." Perhaps my piles of food for your friends did not suffice? Was it the races I sat for hours alone at only for you to forget I was there when talking to other runners? We wouldn't want anyone knowing you were stringing me along after all. Or was it that I thought I could help? Silly me for thinking the times you said you liked me and that you were over your fiance were true.
Of course I know the real reason. I completely understand that it was my fault. For listening to you talk about the house in Colorado we would have together. For being okay with you inviting me to meet your parents after just a few weeks (anyone who knows me even the slightest bit knows that is NOT OKAY in my book). And when you freaked out, it was my bad for crying and waiting around, telling you it did not have to be the same. Yes, that was indeed my fault. But honestly, what is a girl to do when she decides for the first time to just let go and see what happens.
But "ex", I'm not using this letter you will never read to make you feel small or give you a thought that I am not over you. No, that is indeed not the case. I just want you to know that perhaps next time you string someone along, or use someone as your quick fix you will word things differently.
See it wasn't that I was not good enough for you. It was that we were not good enough for each other. You do triathlons, I grew up thinking bikes should stay on the side walk or risk getting hit. You wear running shorts on a daily basis, I dress like I live in New York. You are 6 foot 6 and I am 5 foot 2. Lets be honest, it looked like I was getting kidnapped every time we were together. You would be completely content tucked away on a mountain forever, I have dreams bigger than any cabin could fulfill. You were broken and confused, you left me broken and confused.
Yet in all honesty, I hope you find someone who can be all those things. It is the best feeling in the world to know there is someone who fits you perfectly. In your case they will ride a tandem bike with you off into the sunset. And they will buy you those energy gel packets I never could seem to understand. They will be tall and you wont have to lean down to your knees to kiss them. One day I hope that you can be just as happy as I am because as scary as relationships are, they feel so good when they are right.
yours no longer,
Shelby
Well, I feel better. But really I did not write that condescending letter to feel better. I know it sounds bitter, because it is. Though that bitter feeling does not come from me being angry with him, it comes from me being angry with myself. Before David I was really good at being alone. Even better, I was really good at blocking people out. When he showed up all tall and important enough to be interviewed I let myself slip, like we all do at some point in time. But what I liked about him was the idea of him being the perfect person.
It was not until he was gone that I understood he was not my person. My person had been here all along. He is the person I know is there for me. The person who will read this entire post, then tell me it is wonderful (hopefully at least...) even though it is about someone else. He is the one that when today I tried to curl back up into my shield of protection broke down the wall. He hasn't let me go, and frankly I hope he doesn't. He is my person, my Jerbear, my guy.
So here is to not letting the fears from someone who means nothing keep you from being as blissful as you can with the person who means everything.
