The first symptom of the process of us killing our dreams is when we say: "I'm very busy right now"- Paulo Coelho
For a long time now I have said I don't do too much. I'm fine, I can take on another project, I can go to that event. Well I am now announcing... I DECLARE I CAN DO NO MORE!!
Michael from The Office declared bankruptcy and his problems went away in the next episode, so I'm doing the same. Time to go to bed and in the morning it will be alright.
Kidding... I'm well aware that won't happen. If life worked that way I would be one happy lady.
But running from place to place this morning and getting more done in the first three hours of my day than most get done in 24 this quote was running through my head. I found it a week ago, immediately deeming it my FB status, and realized what I thought was helping me was really hurting me.
It all started last year when everyone and their mothers said if I didn't have 20 internships, 12 part time jobs, and 97 honors I would never get a job. I figured it was time to get on the ball. So I got an internship with a radio show in Austin. It was great, I liked it so much I got another. Now I have an internship, two jobs, and classes along with being an active member in two organizations. I don't say this to brag. I say this to warn!
Here is the thing. I cant say no. You ask me to write a story I say yes. You ask me to come in early I say yes. You tell me to jump off a cliff... well if it will get me out of everything I have to do I'll say yes.
So where is it that we draw the line? And why are there such high expectations for us everywhere?
See, I'm fine with doing all these things. I was actually doing a great job at it. Until one day I was not. Everything now is a struggle. An extra email seems impossible. And when I have to finally say no I cant. This may sound goofy, but some times my body aches because there is so much going on.
But it is expected. The university expects you to make them look good by getting yourself out there, but when you don't have time to do what they want it isn't okay. And you want to go to your internships as much as you can because that gives you experience but then you fail to get your school work done and can't get a job anyways.
Understand this vicious cycle I'm getting at? There is no time to breath any more. Really, for a while I refused to drink water because going to the restroom took up too much time. I'm not sure this is right.
I get that we are supposed to be busy, but some times I think I can be superwoman, and that just isn't happening.
Where is the happy medium though? And can you turn back now?
This is the problem I'm having. I feel too far gone to get back on track. I can't quit anything I started because I'm not a quitter. And I don't want to slow down just to realize I'll regret it later. The other day I was thinking a mental break down was sounding pretty good. Why not just accidentally freak out? That could buy me a weeks time right? Then I realized me thinking about this was taking away from my allotted homework time.
The thing is, I know I won't regret the experience I have gained. But some times I wonder how much I am missing out on. Going out is a thing of the past. I don't even know what the inside of a bar looks like. I haven't seen a full episode of anything in months. And will I ever be able to sleep past 7 again? Some times it seems impossible.
I thought getting out of school quicker would be the best idea. Then I could just have a job. But is that the lesson we are supposed to learn in school? I know we have to grow up, and I understand it isn't as easy as it seems. But is wearing ourselves down now really going to help later? Better question, what happens when I don't make it out alive?
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