"Mom, I need these shoes. They will make me look so good on camera. No, no, you wont see them, but the soles, they are the perfect width and height so my head hits at just the right spot on the TV."
"Oh this small vase, I know it wont fit flowers or a normal size candle, but it will look so great on our stove. We only have to move it every time we cook so it doesn't over heat and crack."
"You need that dress. That dress, though you can only wear it once, will make you look so good tonight when we go to the same bar we have gone to every night since we moved to Lubbock."
You cant say those aren't GREAT justifications.
But, lately it has gotten really bad. The other day I found myself justifying my justification. It's a big problem. See, I have found myself wandering into quite a few stores lately. I don't know what happens. I'm just walking along the street admiring the sun, and all of the sudden I'm standing at the cash register draped in clothes. I can't get enough! Shoes, shirts, dresses, then you need the perfect necklace to go with.
It was easy at first, I kept assuring myself that I needed these clothes for my job. The saying does go, "Dress for the job you want not the job you have." But when my oh-so-wonderful roomie Kristin walked into my closet only to cry out in dismay "Shelby! You have to clean this out!" I knew I had a problem. Immediately my thought was why? Why was I doing this? And then it hit me... Obviously I need to buy clothes to cope with the fact that I am about to be in the real world and my money will go to bills not ballet flats.
Did I seriously just justify my crazy obsession with clothes? That doesn't even make sense!
So, as any great therapist would do, I evaluated myself. Why do we use justification? Why do I think I need to escape in a world of silk tops and hi-lo dresses?
Confronting yourself isn't always easy, but I finally began to land on an answer. See, I think I run to clothes because they are something I can hold onto. I don't know where I will be in a month, I don't even know where I will be next week. And when I do leave I know I can't pack up my friends in a box and take then with me. They only thing I will have are the things I have bought.
People say things don't make you happy, things wont keep your life full. Sometimes people are wrong.
Perhaps I am a little shallow, but at least I know it. Obviously buying up all the clothes in Lubbock isn't a solution for my being scared of the future, but it is a tangible thing I keep around so I don't have to think about it. Facing your fears is a great thing, but in my mind it is easy to say my fear can't be faced for another week, so until then I'd rather keep my anxiety level under control.
No comments:
Post a Comment