Fear isn't always a bad thing

I have this intense fear of rain. Maybe even worse than my fear of mascots... don't question. So this fear of rain, it isn't like we are worst enemines. No no, that would be too easy. It is one of those things where every time there is the smallest drop of rain on the ground I am bed ridden for the day. 

I simply can't drive in the rain. 

Don't be so quick to judge though. There is good reason for my irrational, run the other way, cry to myself in a corner, fear. To put it in perspective, from the outside you would think it was a grandma driving my Jeep, and from the inside a teenage girl whose first boyfriend just broke her heart and left her to make the journey home with only a Taylor Swift CD.

See, when I was a senior in high school I totaled my car due to the rain. Well, rain is giving too much credit. There was maybe one drop of water soaking its way into the pavement. But that doesn't mean my car did not nail it right on the head, spin out like a maniac, and ram right into the over sized monster of a tree! Did I mention we had just completed the painting of our windows for the first day. No better way to show those underclassmen who is boss that a bunch of ridiculous sayings on every senior girls window.

This was my sweet baby Suzie. She wasn't actually sweet... we like to refer to her as the devil car. Oh, and don't mind me, my horribly colored hair, and my extra 50 pounds. High school wasn't my best of looks. Do however note the "Get on your knees" writing on the window. That car ended in a mangled mess which had to be thrown into a waste basket by hand, every ping of a part made my heart sink. But you can bet your bottom dollar out of all the windows, this beauty right here was the only one that didn't shatter in on me. Made for a great conversation topic as they jaws of lifed me out.

But back to Suzie. She made it very clear she wanted to end my life that day. Every cop at the scene was saying how lucky I was, and the miles of traffic (good thing I decided to put on this show right as everyone was getting off work, in the middle of the week, on a one lane road, of the only entrance to the most populated subdivision in the area). Too bad I'm a hot mess and wouldn't let that happen. Though I have to say back then I wasn't scared of the rain. Honestly, I was an idiot. 

Not only did I look horrible in high school, but I felt that way too. It was a really bad time for me. I had friends, but I didn't think they liked me. I went to school and hated every minute of it. I was a cheerleader and  my coach ran me into a hole of depression. I had more psychiatrist than I did clothes in my closet, and if you know me that is HARD to believe. 

It took me a very long time to get over all this. To start to tolerate myself again. It isn't something you can change over night. And those bad thoughts I often had aren't ones that I will ever forget. 

The truth is, there was a moment when my car was colliding with that tree, as the glass was blanketing me, that I didn't want to have to drive in the rain again. It wasn't something I ever told anyone, and thankfully when the air bag hit my phone disconnected from my mom (by the way, don't talk on the phone while driving unless you think your mom hearing your last words is something you would be okay with) because as that wreck occurred around me, and to me, I was hoping it would take me with it.

You may be asking yourself right about now, what does all this have to do with fear? Well frankly, everything.

Tonight driving home from work, clutching my steering wheel, crying to myself, just knowing in my head I wouldn't make it through this light drizzle, the thought dawned on me. I am scared because I have something to live for.

Being scared isn't a bad thing. 

When I got in that first wreck I was so selfish and so lonely. Looking back now I know how bad it would have hurt my family, and my friends if I didn't just walk away with a black eye and some cuts. But at the time I couldn't understand. I couldn't see the beauty in the things around me, or the beauty in myself for that matter.

I still struggle with it, as I'm sure most people do. But at the end of the day you kind of need to toot your own horn. Sure there are things about me I would like to change, and I have been told I'm not good enough. Twice now, once at work and once from someone I thought saw my value. But in my mind I know I am. 

Honestly, I'm kind of pretty great. Everyone is. Now getting in a wreck wouldn't upset me because I would have to drive around a Pontiac Grand AM with three pillows so I can see over the steering wheel... it would upset me because I would be losing so many wonderful things. So many amazing people in my life, people that see my worth and help me live it. And I would be losing myself. 

There are so many things I want to do. I want to get so far in my career that even I look back and say I've made it. And I want to see the world, share drinks and laughs with amazing people. A part of me even wants to find someone wonderful to have my every day with. Now now people, don't get too excited... this is a new feeling so we need not jump to conclusions. A lot of me still thinks marrying myself sounds pretty good! 

But that is the thing with life. As you move on and grow up you really do start to see the wonder in it all. Not every day is great, there will be periods of your life where things aren't going well. But even in those periods, no matter how many people point out your bad qualities, there are other people who can't wait to see you strive, and I hope that others can see at some point they themselves are one of them too.