The past few weeks have really gotten to me. I keep waiting for that mental break down to happen. It has to be right around the corner. Even the slightest movement has me preparing for the waterworks. But for some odd reason it just hasn't come.
I don't know if it is the whole adult thing or what, but it seems everything has been falling out of place only for me to look it in the eyes and say "So what?"
Graduation day came and I didn't have a full time reporting job. Months of crying, 60 application, and a handful of headaches later I'm not even upset. I looked that jobless mess in the face and said, so what? I get to stay in Lubbock for a while and be with people I love dearly. Maybe I can even catch a drink now that I'm not enrolled in 19 hours, working two jobs and interning. Is this what college was supposed to be like? It was so hard to understand people saying it will happen when it should happen, but I finally understand. It really will happen when it happens, and for now I need to take a second to breathe.
And him. I had the opportunity to be with him, now it is gone. He was great and I miss it but then I looked to myself and said, so what? What are you going to do if someone doesn't like you back? There is nothing you can say to change that. You are good enough and someone else will see it. Oh you still think it has to be him? News flash... it can't be! See it's as easy as that.
Then there is money. I've been blowing money on clothes like I can go buy a new monopoly board with my last few dollars and be dandy. And when the money runs out I say, so what? I'll get my paycheck in a few days. Oh wait... this isn't a good thing to say so what about is it? Well we can't all be perfect.
As hard as I try to find my reason to break down I just cant. I feel like 21 years with myself is a pretty good time frame for knowing me. I understand my breaking points and know my limits. But the more I think about it I'm starting to realize maybe I don't need to break down. Maybe this time I can handle it. Maybe this time all that is left is happiness.
I'm starting to learn how fun it is to be happy. Truly happy. Not the fake kind like in Mean Girls when Regina George says she likes your skirt and then calls it ugly behind your back. No, this time I am truly happy. Sure I hurt when I think about him, and sure I would like to have a full time reporting job, but when you cant change your present you might as well put it to good use.
And besides, like my friend Amy said, "It's not too much to tell them you want a job. It is too much to say the gun is loaded and you will off yourself if the job isn't yours."
I can't change what is happening in my life, and frankly I don't know that I would. I'm finally starting to learn what being happy is. All my life I thought you had to have a smile on your face all hours of the day, but that isn't being happy. Happy is knowing when things go wrong you are content with yourself and wont let it destroy you. It is waking up in the morning and knowing today will be a good day regardless of what happens. And most of all happy is knowing yourself inside and out.
It took a long time for me to be willing to admit my character traits, and honestly I would never have been able to do it without him. He told me I was pretty but self conscious, I was ambitious but didn't have the confidence to back it up and I was nice but too nice. He was right. No one has ever summed it up for me, but now that I know I can embrace it. Though, I will never stop being what he calls "too nice." Sorry I'm not sorry I love giving little gifts. My aunt taught me well!
Today I am happy. Tomorrow I will be happy. One day something will knock me down, but even then I hope to stay happy.
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