Friday, August 17, 2012

Mean doesn't look good on anyone

Yesterday I was really mean, and frankly it sucked. I did it with complete intention to hurt someone because I felt like they hurt me. But in the end it hurt more to know I did it than I'm sure the words hurt them.

I was woken from a nap by some guy banging on the door trying to fit keys for my new roommate. After the initial shock of this crude noise I realized the blood in my veins was boiling thinking how this should not have happened. I was still in a half sleeping state. And it was my only nap in a LONG time! My mind kept screaming "You got screwed!" My hands were shaking with anger, teeth clinched so tight not even the jaws of life could have pried them apart. This man was frolicking around my apartment un announced. He didn't have a Cottages shirt on... he didn't even look like he worked there. I stood in awe as his loud voice rang in my, what were just calmed, eardrums.

And what did I do? Send that dirty text message I knew I shouldn't have. Boy was it bad. F word flying, capital screamy letters everywhere, and oh those nasty periods, the ones that are meant to strike a chord deep in your stomach. Yup, I acted like a five year old, only five year olds aren't even this ridiculous.

My body was still convulsing on the way to work as I fumed to my mother on the phone. Pretty sure there was visible smoke puffing out of my ears.I huffed my way to the desk and hastily flipped on Pinterest to back up my anger. Only Pinterest decided to teach me a little lesson from my favorite singer... Taylor Swift thought I should know how much words hurt.

Reluctance poured over me. I couldn't believe how rude I had been. How hasty I had become. See, I recently found my voice. Telling people how I feel isn't so hard any more. But this time I took it a little too far. It is true, I still felt like she owed me something. In my mind I could justify it this way, She chose to leave us for her boyfriend, I have not chosen the path I'm on and she wasn't considering my feelings when I had considered hers before. I did not chose to graduate with no job, or lose someone I cared about, and I surely didn't choose to live with someone I don't know.

But the more I thought about it the more I realized that is exactly it. I didn't chose any of these things, but I did chose to lose my cool. Sure I got my point across, but what does that really do? I don't feel better, I feel like crap.

I couldn't believe being mean could feel this bad. "The only words you'll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you used to intentionally hurt someone," rang through my head all night.

Why are we mean? Ever. How do we find that balance between voicing your hurt and screaming at a wall? And why can't we just suck it up and be nice? It isn't like I could have done anything to change her decision, so why not just get over it? I'm not sure it will be easy, but I truly want to stop being mean, and mad for that matter. My explosion always begins with me getting mad. I'm not hasty often, but even just once really upset me.

That is my problem, and I think it is a lot of peoples. We get so upset so quickly when something isn't going our way that we resort to the only thing we know. Mean. Especially as girls, we grow up thinking coning our way through life will get us to where we want to be. We fight dirty, and wipe off the dirt like nothing happened.

girls think they have to finish on top and not standing up for yourself is wrong. But haven't our mothers always said "Kill them with kindness." Not that it isn't hasty in itself. Perhaps we shouldn't kill them but try to kill our self being kind. Honestly, it can't be that hard to bite your tong, even when your face is blood shot. So here is to trying my best to be nice, even when it seems much easier to be mean.

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