Mean doesn't look good on anyone

Yesterday I was really mean, and frankly it sucked. I did it with complete intention to hurt someone because I felt like they hurt me. But in the end it hurt more to know I did it than I'm sure the words hurt them.

I was woken from a nap by some guy banging on the door trying to fit keys for my new roommate. After the initial shock of this crude noise I realized the blood in my veins was boiling thinking how this should not have happened. I was still in a half sleeping state. And it was my only nap in a LONG time! My mind kept screaming "You got screwed!" My hands were shaking with anger, teeth clinched so tight not even the jaws of life could have pried them apart. This man was frolicking around my apartment un announced. He didn't have a Cottages shirt on... he didn't even look like he worked there. I stood in awe as his loud voice rang in my, what were just calmed, eardrums.

And what did I do? Send that dirty text message I knew I shouldn't have. Boy was it bad. F word flying, capital screamy letters everywhere, and oh those nasty periods, the ones that are meant to strike a chord deep in your stomach. Yup, I acted like a five year old, only five year olds aren't even this ridiculous.

My body was still convulsing on the way to work as I fumed to my mother on the phone. Pretty sure there was visible smoke puffing out of my ears.I huffed my way to the desk and hastily flipped on Pinterest to back up my anger. Only Pinterest decided to teach me a little lesson from my favorite singer... Taylor Swift thought I should know how much words hurt.

Reluctance poured over me. I couldn't believe how rude I had been. How hasty I had become. See, I recently found my voice. Telling people how I feel isn't so hard any more. But this time I took it a little too far. It is true, I still felt like she owed me something. In my mind I could justify it this way, She chose to leave us for her boyfriend, I have not chosen the path I'm on and she wasn't considering my feelings when I had considered hers before. I did not chose to graduate with no job, or lose someone I cared about, and I surely didn't choose to live with someone I don't know.

But the more I thought about it the more I realized that is exactly it. I didn't chose any of these things, but I did chose to lose my cool. Sure I got my point across, but what does that really do? I don't feel better, I feel like crap.

I couldn't believe being mean could feel this bad. "The only words you'll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you used to intentionally hurt someone," rang through my head all night.

Why are we mean? Ever. How do we find that balance between voicing your hurt and screaming at a wall? And why can't we just suck it up and be nice? It isn't like I could have done anything to change her decision, so why not just get over it? I'm not sure it will be easy, but I truly want to stop being mean, and mad for that matter. My explosion always begins with me getting mad. I'm not hasty often, but even just once really upset me.

That is my problem, and I think it is a lot of peoples. We get so upset so quickly when something isn't going our way that we resort to the only thing we know. Mean. Especially as girls, we grow up thinking coning our way through life will get us to where we want to be. We fight dirty, and wipe off the dirt like nothing happened.

girls think they have to finish on top and not standing up for yourself is wrong. But haven't our mothers always said "Kill them with kindness." Not that it isn't hasty in itself. Perhaps we shouldn't kill them but try to kill our self being kind. Honestly, it can't be that hard to bite your tong, even when your face is blood shot. So here is to trying my best to be nice, even when it seems much easier to be mean.

When being happy is all you have left

The past few weeks have really gotten to me. I keep waiting for that mental break down to happen. It has to be right around the corner. Even the slightest movement has me preparing for the waterworks. But for some odd reason it just hasn't come. 

I don't know if it is the whole adult thing or what, but it seems everything has been falling out of place only for me to look it in the eyes and say "So what?"

Graduation day came and I didn't have a full time reporting job. Months of crying, 60 application, and a handful of headaches later I'm not even upset. I looked that jobless mess in the face and said, so what? I get to stay in Lubbock for a while and be with people I love dearly. Maybe I can even catch a drink now that I'm not enrolled in 19 hours, working two jobs and interning. Is this what college was supposed to be like? It was so hard to understand people saying it will happen when it should happen, but I finally understand. It really will happen when it happens, and for now I need to take a second to breathe.

And him. I had the opportunity to be with him, now it is gone. He was great and I miss it but then I looked to myself and said, so what? What are you going to do if someone doesn't like you back? There is nothing you can say to change that. You are good enough and someone else will see it. Oh you still think it has to be him? News flash... it can't be! See it's as easy as that.

Then there is money. I've been blowing money on clothes like I can go buy a new monopoly board with my last few dollars and be dandy. And when the money runs out I say, so what? I'll get my paycheck in a few days. Oh wait... this isn't a good thing to say so what about is it? Well we can't all be perfect.

As hard as I try to find my reason to break down I just cant. I feel like 21 years with myself is a pretty good time frame for knowing me. I understand my breaking points and know my limits. But the more I think about it I'm starting to realize maybe I don't need to break down. Maybe this time I can handle it. Maybe this time all that is left is happiness.

I'm starting to learn how fun it is to be happy. Truly happy. Not the fake kind like in Mean Girls when Regina George says she likes your skirt and then calls it ugly behind your back. No, this time I am truly happy. Sure I hurt when I think about him, and sure I would like to have a full time reporting job, but when you cant change your present you might as well put it to good use. 

And besides, like my friend Amy said, "It's not too much to tell them you want a job. It is too much to say the gun is loaded and you will off yourself if the job isn't yours." 

I can't change what is happening in my life, and frankly I don't know that I would. I'm finally starting to learn what being happy is. All my life I thought you had to have a smile on your face all hours of the day, but that isn't being happy. Happy is knowing when things go wrong you are content with yourself and wont let it destroy you. It is waking up in the morning and knowing today will be a good day regardless of what happens. And most of all happy is knowing yourself inside and out. 

It took a long time for me to be willing to admit my character traits, and honestly I would never have been able to do it without him. He told me I was pretty but self conscious, I was ambitious but didn't have the confidence to back it up and I was nice but too nice. He was right. No one has ever summed it up for me, but now that I know I can embrace it. Though, I will never stop being what he calls "too nice." Sorry I'm not sorry I love giving little gifts. My aunt taught me well!

Today I am happy. Tomorrow I will be happy. One day something will knock me down, but even then I hope to stay happy. 

Fifty shades of obsessed... or something like that

So this Fifty Shades of Grey thing... I think I'm in love. Or obsessed, I cant decide. 

Oh, and this picture right here, it is my life. But lets be honest, no therapist could convince me that Grey is not out there. 

Here is the thing. I started reading on a plane ride back to Lubbock one day and haven't stopped since.

Did you know these books are dirty? I didn't until I was wandering near the ozone layer. I'm not sure it is true but I'm pretty positive the girls next to me knew what was up the whole time. Or she was trying to get a peek. She was engaged, and I wish her all the luck, and that her life be filled with nights of red rooms.

But this is where my obsession began, and now I can't seem to get out of it. See, I've read the first book three times and am on my second run through the series. I'm telling you, Christian Grey has really got it going on. And not just because he runs his fingers through his dark lushes locks or lets his chest hair peek out the tops of his crisp white shirts. No no, those are only little things I love about him.

Oh, and for the record, if whomever they cast for the movie doesn't have chest hair the will NOT be seeing my money at the box office. 

The love I have for these books seemed okay up until a few days ago. My roommate Kristin is a bit upset that I am now reading them for the second time yet haven't even finished the Hunger Games once. Stupid Capitol trying to send me back into the games! Not happening. 

And then I noticed the pattern. I was warned about this, but didn't honestly think it would happen. I was staying up until 2 a.m. Waking up early. Getting to classes 30 minutes before they began. And have you ever seen someone type underneath the keyboard on a computer? I've mastered that skill... oh wait... I was actually reading how Fifty likes to give spankings. 

I've tried to read other books, I really have. Three of them to be exact. But nothing was comparing. Nothing seemed as good as living in Christian Grey's company each night (and day). And then there was the incident at work. One of my friends was saying she feels sad reading them because she knows Grey is only in the books. I didn't miss a beat to reply "I'm not sad, I'm seeing Grey tonight." Oh you didn't know he waits for me at the Cottages each evening when I return home?

UHHHHHHH........ AWKWARD.

So fine, I have a problem. I love a fake character. But isn't that what books are supposed to make you do? Aren't we supposed to be so entranced by the characters in a novel because they are so delicately sculpted to fit our every need? See, I realize now I'm not reading Fifty Shades for the sex scenes. Sure, every girl wants their version of porn, and frankly we are doing it in a classy way so it's fine. But what I really want out of these heated pages is the comfort Grey gives, that one we only see in books. 

When I was younger books were all I cared about. My mom loves to remind me when I had to use the restroom as a small child I would scream "MOM! I need 17 books!" The funny thing was, I could never quite seem to actually read them. During grade school I was diagnosed with dyslexia. By the way, who came up with that word? They were honestly dooming those who have it. Took me years to learn to spell it correctly. Anyways, I was never able to read well. Looking at the print in a book was like looking at a jigsaw puzzle. Ever seen a speed reader? I'm great a pretending to be one. I can stare blankly at a page just long enough to not be questioned about actually reading it. 

As a kid it was incredibly hard to deal with. Knowing I couldn't be let into this secret world. I never got the book worm award, or anywhere close. Popcorn reading made me want to vomit over the nerves I'd collect before my turn. And reading to the younger classes was the scariest thing. When 2nd graders are correcting the 5th grade reader it can get a little awkward. 

Being diagnosed shed a new light on the situation. I learned how to read in new ways. I was no longer the stupid one. And frankly I knew I had to take advantage of it.

That is the power of a page turner. Escapism. Some find their fix with drugs or alcohol, some in shopping (oh wait that means I have two addictions), and many people find it in books. It is such a beautiful thing to have something in which we can completely shut ourselves off from the world for a period of time and enter a parallel universe. 

I believe when you find a great book you shouldn't want to put it down. Living your real life should feel a little different, like a part of you is missing when you aren't gripping the thin paper pages. It makes life more exciting when we have the chance to get away. So for now I'm away with Grey, tucked in his TV room ready to go to first base! (Fifty Shades lovers that one was for you).

You cant make change happen

I have finally come to the realization that you cant make people change. Try as you may, people are who they are. Being your best or doing your best wont stop that. Realizing it hurts, but maybe it is for the better.

All I wanted was for one person to see how great they are. In my mind it was such an easy thing. Just be sweet and give it your all, eventually he will see how good it can be and show that side you fell for. The thing with that is some people don't see it. Their mind is stuck on another path, they have another idea of how things should be. Your job is to not get caught in the storm.

My clothes are wet. Soaking. The storm engulfed me. 

This has happened before, same person same situation. However this time I'm a little different. Don't get me wrong, it hurts. I really thought things would work out, or at least not end like this. But this time I don't need to cry. 

It's hard not to shed tears. It is hard to leave something behind when you really enjoyed it. No one eats just one bite of the cake and walks away satisfied. You want the whole cake. You want to savor every single bite and make it last as long as you can. Of course the cake eventually gets eaten. That is what I couldn't portray. I couldn't make it clear that what was happening was okay, what was going on was not a life sentence but how things could be. 

So now life is moving on. I'm a completely different person than I was even just a few days ago. New roommate, new degree, new job, new relationship status, new life. New is scary. New isn't where I wanted to be. But then again new is what it has to be. 

I wish so badly that I could have shown him what he was worth. Help him understand that some people really do make the difference. And that it wasn't supposed to be scary. 

In the end though you cant make it happen. Eventually there will be someone who likes you for everything you are. They want you to make them little gifts. They aren't embarrassed or quiet about you to their friends and family. They will want to be around you just to see you. They wont know where the future is going, but they will give their present its all. 

Someone wont be scared to jump, even if it isn't the right time and place. Because in the end you don't need a guy. You don't need anyone but yourself, though there is someone out there who will make it seem like you don't have a guy, but instead that little piece of the puzzle which makes your corners connect.

The first day of the rest of days

Today marks the first day of the rest of my days. It isn't much different than yesterday. But today, I am no longer a college student. I can no longer blame frat parties or class. There is no more time to say I will do that later. What I do today will effect my tomorrow. Honestly, it is scary. But it is just the same. 

Everyone told me this day will come, we work our whole lives for it. Preschool prepares you for elementary school. Leaving your parents at the door of that class room helps you learn how to let go. Your first boyfriend teaches you there will be so many more. Walking the halls of high school gets you to college, and college prepares you for beyond. What they don't tell you, is that there really isn't a way to prepare.

Surfing Youtube the other day I came across a clip of Taylor Swift talking about her song "Fifteen" and how it is an anthem to her best friend. A staple item in which they can look back on their days in high school. When I was there, when I walked the halls of McNeil I hated it. Now that I'm gone I see the moments that shaped my life. 

Not to get all Taylor Swift on you... 

I miss the nights where 10 girls packed into my minute bedroom on piles of blankets just to watch Friends reruns. How carefree we were, how little we had to worry. The biggest problem was how late we could sleep and still have time to put on full makeup to walk to Kenny's before they stopped serving breakfast tacos. We sat up late talking about things that meant the world to us, boys, clothes, life. In those moments we never thought we would see an end. There would never be a day in which we were not friends, a day where we fought for more than a few punches, or a day that our lives would bring us to different places. In our minds we were in that moment forever. 

And boys, I miss when boys were your world, because your world was so small that is all you needed. When impressing a boy was the thing you had to succeed at. If you failed, there was always another. I remember my most valued competitor, Michael Jarrott. Boy did I want him to be mine, little did I know then the chase was much more thrilling than the reward. But he was so cute. So mysterious. And so Michael. 

What about standing up for a cause? Remember those days? Like standing up for being a nerd. Or being the guy who strips down the hallways five days before graduation... he wasn't even graduating, but he had a cause. The insane effort we put forth as cheerleaders only to find out spring show doesn't matter after high school. It was fighting for a cause because we couldn't fail. When you are in high school your parents will back you up. When you are out of college you back yourself. 

We did all of these things to get us to where we are today. Our lives have changed, though not drastically, but in a very significant way. Today I become an adult, though I'm not sure I know what adult means. The day before my graduation I was lucky enough to see one of my oldest and dearest friends. Sitting on my hotel bed talking to Kaylyn I was reminded just how precious those old memories can be.

I was expecting graduation to do it for me. To make me realize what being in the real world is like. Honestly, I feel the exact same. Perhaps these big milestones are not meant to make us change. Maybe they are just here to track the days. We are still the same person as yesterday, we just can no longer use the excuse of being a student. 

When you can justify justification

As a young girl I learned that I had this insane talent for justifying things. 


"Mom, I need these shoes. They will make me look so good on camera. No, no, you wont see them, but the soles, they are the perfect width and height so my head hits at just the right spot on the TV." 


"Oh this small vase, I know it wont fit flowers or a normal size candle, but it will look so great on our stove. We only have to move it every time we cook so it doesn't over heat and crack."


"You need that dress. That dress, though you can only wear it once, will make you look so good tonight when we go to the same bar we have gone to every night since we moved to Lubbock."


You cant say those aren't GREAT justifications.


But, lately it has gotten really bad. The other day I found myself justifying my justification. It's a big problem. See, I have found myself wandering into quite a few stores lately. I don't know what happens. I'm just walking along the street admiring the sun, and all of the sudden I'm standing at the cash register draped in clothes. I can't get enough! Shoes, shirts, dresses, then you need the perfect necklace to go with.


It was easy at first, I kept assuring myself that I needed these clothes for my job. The saying does go, "Dress for the job you want not the job you have." But when my oh-so-wonderful roomie Kristin walked into my closet only to cry out in dismay "Shelby! You have to clean this out!" I knew I had a problem. Immediately my thought was why? Why was I doing this? And then it hit me... Obviously I need to buy clothes to cope with the fact that I am about to be in the real world and my money will go to bills not ballet flats.


Did I seriously just justify my crazy obsession with clothes? That doesn't even make sense!


So, as any great therapist would do, I evaluated myself. Why do we use justification? Why do I think I need to escape in a world of silk tops and hi-lo dresses?


Confronting yourself isn't always easy, but I finally began to land on an answer. See, I think I run to clothes because they are something I can hold onto. I don't know where I will be in a month, I don't even know where I will be next week. And when I do leave I know I can't pack up my friends in a box and take then with me. They only thing I will have are the things I have bought.


People say things don't make you happy, things wont keep your life full. Sometimes people are wrong. 


Perhaps I am a little shallow, but at least I know it. Obviously buying up all the clothes in Lubbock isn't a solution for my being scared of the future, but it is a tangible thing I keep around so I don't have to think about it. Facing your fears is a great thing, but in my mind it is easy to say my fear can't be faced for another week, so until then I'd rather keep my anxiety level under control.

Catching up

It has been a long time since I have posted on this blog. Things seemed to get crazy, as life often does, and the last thing I felt like doing was taking time to write. But thinking more about that comment I can't understand where it went, my love for writing. It has been the one thing I have always gone to, and all of the sudden it was gone. But recently a lot has been gone, and a lot has come. That is just another joy of life.


Over the past two months I have taken 27 hours of classes and am about to graduate. I work 40 hours a week, and every once in a while I get to watch a TV show. This sounds pathetic, but it was exactly what I wanted to do for so long. Funny thing about your dreams, they don't always come true. 


I have yet to find a job and have just less than two weeks before I walk that stage into the threshold of adulthood. It has taken me a very long time, a handful of freak-outs, and 60 emails to realize it is going to be okay. Now don't get me wrong, I still freak out, but more and more it is becoming clear that my fears are just as big as I let them be. 


See as graduation gets closer people keep telling me how crazy I am. "You are crazy for graduating early, you will regret it more than anything in your life." I don't want to be that girl, but as the days rolled on and the inbox stayed empty the reality of the comment seemed to creep up on me. 


Just a few days ago I was able to come to terms with the fact that maybe, just maybe, this is really the way it is supposed to pan out. I don't have to be the grouchy 30 year old telling the poor college kids to hang onto their every last day. Honestly, I am happy to say I finished what most take five years to do in three. Sure I am young, and sure I have a lot to learn, but some times learning isn't a mistake. Sometimes it is the right thing.

I just turned 21 and thought I was going to be so cool by having my big thing be driving the FOX car around the parking lot (you have to be 21 to be on insurance). My work friends surprised me and my big thing ended up being not remembering my birthday. I wouldn't change it for anything. Their actions showed me you truly can have fun and be an adult. You don't have to miss out on the good things by doing the right thing. Being surrounded by my friends and roommates felt good.

But doing the right thing is something I struggle with. The other day I started thinking about things I need to do and not do. See, I'm really bad at saying things I truly feel. Confrontation makes me want to vomit and faint, serious conversations always end in tears, and well... no one wants to throw others under the bus even when they know its not their fault. 

Pondering this (instead of diligently working) I realized there are some things I really wish I would have said. Today someone I respect greatly told me the way she feels less vulnerable is to write it down... so here goes nothing:

1) Yes, it did hurt when you were not there. It hurt really bad to know I tried so hard for you and you just left. But worse was that you asked, because there was no way for me to say no. It hurt then and it still hurts now.

2) Frankly I am not bad. I am good. Really good. I try hard and love what I do. That is what makes someone good. Also... you are the only one who did not compliment the sock!

3) You are my perfect friend. You help me in the hard times and laugh with me in the good. When I think of you I think of serenity and love it.

4) I cant do this without you. 

5) I want to tell you I wont hurt you but it scares me. I've said it before and you hurt me. I want to get to know you. My only ulterior motive is to show you how wonderful you are. To me you are so wonderful.