So remember when I said I'd do good deeds...

Turns out good deeds are hard to do. Not only do you have to find a noble way to do them, but then you have to be willing to write about them. Seeing that I primarily write to myself on here I didn't think it would be that difficult when I started this short lived journey of good deeding. So over the past few weeks of my absence I will say good deeds have been done... but they will not be talked about. Due to personal conflict or lack of luster they will be locked in the vault of silence.

On that note I will say there is one worthy of mentioning. As I sat pondering my thoughts at T.C. Ellis one morning a man walked in. He made a comment about not having money but quickly disputed my look of fear by saying he was not asking for money. See, when people ask for money at TCE (oh yeah, I shorten the name of the boutique to feel cool. NBD.) I want to help them but I don't know how.

This man I could help, kind of. All he wanted was some of the free candy we have at the front desk. I gladly told him he could take as much as he wanted. Selectively running his hand through the jars he explained that he had never been in this position before, he went to church every Sunday, and didn't even like candy but wasn't going to be picky.

As he walked away, pocket full of unsatisfying snickers, I thought to myself: how great would it be if next time he came in I could slip something else in the jar.

Honestly Shelby? How would you ever pull that off?

I wouldn't know he was coming, so what? Tell him to close his eyes and put something else in the jar while he stood there? Good try crazy but your good deeds are not working out! And on top of that I couldn't get him out of my mind. It's like he was that person sent here for me to help and I chicken out. Good going idiot!

And then I was reminded of second chances.

Walking into The Overton to have a lavish drink with some good friends that night I was distracted by a familiar looking jacket.

Eureka! It was him! My candy guy! Or so I thought... It looked like him. He was sitting on a chair in the lobby and didn't seem to be waiting for anyone. This. Was. My. Chance.

Being the Overton goer that I am I knew there was a small nook where they sold little snack items over by the bar. I plopped my purse down, snatched up my brand new Tory Burch wallet (I couldn't get any more cliche) and pounced off.

Rushing to the front desk I was to declare I wanted to buy the WHOLE mass of food in that nook!

Too bad the worker was on the phone.............. Forever.

Eureka times two! My wonderful childhood friend Ryan worked in the restaurant, and thanksto my creepy tendencies I knew he did not get off Christmas so he was there. Proud of my new discovery I turned on my heels, checking quickly that my candy man was still around, and bounced to the dinning room.

There he was! All blacked out and vacuuming.

"Ryan! I need you to do something for me!"

He looked confused.

"I need to buy the things in that nook and have you give it to the homeless man."

There was only cereal. He did it, even though I was unsure if it was the right person. And then Ryan was gone. And then the guy was gone. And that was it. There is no big ending to good deeds. You do it to help someone else after all, not to make yourself feel better or show off. I'm still not even sure it he was homeless. Or if he likes cereal.

First good deed of the day

Bet you thought I was bailing on this good deed thing already. Don't worry, I wasn't. I've actually been immersed in my good deed for days.

Being my first good deed after dishing for the cause of a mission trip, and factoring in that I am broke as a joke, I decided to take this one for the team and do something for myself. I want these deeds to mean something and be big, even if it is only big in my eyes.

For two and a half years now I have liked this boy. He is a wonderful boy. The kind of guy who is always there when you need him. He says the perfect things, and even enjoys gawking over books. The good kind like Ayn Rand's The Fountain Head. And for two and a half years I let myself think he was too good for me. I watched as he dated other people, and I dated other people. We took in each others problems, and all the time I wondered what I didn't have?

This weekend I changed my mind. He came to visit me and I knew it needed to be done. For once I had to ignore the fear, that fear we all have that stops us from being happy. See, I have always been scared of relationships, and wanting to let someone in. It's really scary to know that people are going to hurt you. And that is just the thing. We all know. 

Or at least we think we know. What if we didn't? What if for once we acted like it wasn't going to happen? We were finally going to have that connection that wasn't balancing on the worlds oldest see-saw. There would be no problems, no worries, nothing but bliss.

So as we got monogrammed wine bottles, read silently with one another, danced to the over zealous music from across the street, and smiled at everything, I realized. This. Was. Right. It's as if when you finally let go of all those bad memories, all the broken pieces, it falls perfectly into place.

That boy who called back just to say he didn't like you any more, the one who left you down town, remember the one who took your car to "help someone move" more like move another girl to the movies on a date when he never even brought you to one? The one you thought you could change into liking you, And the guy who said you were not good enough after you gave him everything. Those guys stop mattering. All of the sudden you are laughing at the thought of them meaning something. Anything. 

Because in those moments you and this guy, the one who has your stomach turning and your heart pounding, you two know everything is amazing. As amazing as it can be. And anything else you do, it will be just as amazing, if not more. 

I know what you are thinking, this doesn't last. Forget that frat boy party music, this is what's over zealous! I thought that too. And I won't be shocked if the thought crosses my mind again. But that is when I have to stop myself and remember, this is different. 

I don't believe in that "can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over- the-fence, World Series kind of stuff." But I do believe in finding your best friend.And not your some-of-the-time friend. Not that guy who is awesome to go out with, pays for your meals, and kisses you goodnight like a gentleman. A best friend is the person who looks at you with content. They stick around, and when they stray they come back. You laugh more than you kiss, and you kiss a lot. He holds your hand, and remembers small details even you have forgotten. He sits at your office because you are addicted to work and couldn't miss one day. Find the person who does all of that. Find your best friend and you have found the world. 

Happy adult turkey day?

I knew this day would come, I knew it getting into this field of work. Happy holiday alone! Not that I am really alone, I will be at work and was invited to the news team orphan brunch. Yay for all of us being alone together! But even after all the prep work I had done to get myself ready to be alone on my first holiday, walking around the house in silence and working on my cute crying face, I just didn't know it would be this hard. 

So as I do on every other Thanksgiving I got up early, got breakfast, and plopped down for the parade (PJ's on and all). Did you ever notice how sad the Macy's Day Parade is? It's like the reason I am doing this is staring me in the face, and they are not with their families on Thanksgiving either! And that commercial with the solider getting off the plane? Obviously I feel his pain. The story of the football player who was taken in by his ex girlfriends family when his mom died and is now in the NFL? All the sudden he is my son and I'm crying over his accomplishments. By the way Today Show... when did you get so sentimental with your content?

Sitting at home alone I started to think, maybe this doesn't have to be so sad. Until I got on Facebook and saw my grandpa's comment on my page... who knew he could even use the thing??

But really, I don't need to be sad. See, there are a lot of things to be thankful for. Like having a job. I am thankful that I have a job in which I can make money on Thanksgiving to save up for flights home when it is not Thanksgiving. 

And I am thankful for the wonderful message I received this morning from a man who is thankful for me. I hope he knows how thankful I am for him too. Oh, and that I get to see said man in eight days!

Most of all, I am thankful that I can be thankful. That I can look back and know I had 20 years of wonderful Thanksgivings where I was surrounded by family. Where I woke up early to my mom making the salad with the water chestnuts that my uncle hates. I got to sit with my father in front of the TV and gawk at the wonderful floats and beautiful views of New York.

And I am thankful that my whole family gets to spend the day at my grandparents house where my grandpa cuts the huge turkey and my grandma sets a wonderful table. And my cousins get to fight over who is not sitting by who, and my nephew wont sit down at all only making things even more enjoyable. That I am not judged (too much) for sitting at that wonderful table hours before the food is done. 

I am thankful that my grandpa delays us eating by taking what seems like a million pictures where we all look like we are contemplating eat the camera itself. And that no one touches the fruit salad but it is there every single year because it wouldn't be a complete meal without it. And passing around the rolls, you know everyone is going to take two, except my cousin Jay... we will take 10. My sister and him will only eat three things at the table, and my uncle will fill his plate twice. 

Then after the meal my silly aunt tries to find the one and only store open in town to go shopping, not just because she loves shopping but, because she doesn't want to do dishes. And that tupperware full of leftovers we all snack on all day even though we declared none of us would ever eat again. Oh, and I am thankful for those pies my grandma makes in which we try to devour before someone else can get to them.  

See, I may be alone this Thanksgiving but there are so many more Thanksgivings I have gotten to be a part of that many people never do. And I couldn't be more thankful. 

Time for a change

Ever heard of the book Same Kind of Different as Me? I'm here to tell you if you have not... you need to educate yourself right now. 

As I turned all 237 pages of this novel I had an experience I'm not sure will ever be met. At first I was un amused. A novel where the main character wasn't a wizard? Or going to turn the good girl bad with his charm and lump sums of unnoticed money? PLEASE! A book without teens is not a book for me. 

Boy was I wrong. 

I should have known. I should have known right there my life was about to change. Of course a book was going to change my life! Every book does that. 

But this one. It was so different. 

Now, I'm going to spoil a lot for you, but it was spoiled for me too, and it still is worth every letter on every line on every page to read it. 

This novel is about a high class art dealer and a streetwalking ex-slave. Their paths cross when the art dealers more than godly wife decided he had to help at a soup kitchen because she had a calling and a dream in which one of the men (unknown at the time) changes the face of Dallas forever. BOY DID THEY!

For 200 of the 237 pages I cried. My heart wrenched as this once cheating husband helped his frail and fragile wife battle cancer. He was never a religious man, but she was. And together they prayed. They begged and pleaded for her healthy recovery, all while helping out these people who had even less than them. 

Her battle was lost, and for that night so was mine. I was torn. My tears turned into sobs, my sobs into that awful heaving sound people make when they have gotten to the point where they can no longer remember why they were crying in the first place. This woman was a saint and all because she wanted someone else to be. She had courage and strength, even when it was all taken from her. Even when there was nothing left. 

I turned the back cover over the last page and immediately began to think of all the ways I had to change the world. It obviously had to be big, and it obviously had to happen right away. 

YURIKA!! 

One of my friends who I had lost touch with over the past year was going on a mission trip and they were looking for help with the cost. Clearly I would pay it all. Let me get my check book I declared to my finally calming mind.

That piece of paper caught fire faster than a bad Harry Potter spell. My bank account was not enjoying my new  want to help the world. Really bank account? Isn't there some rule that when you are doing good no amount of money should matter?

So I settled on a little less and made peace with my first attribution to this place of help. 

But it wasn't my last one. I have now decided on a new project. From this week on I will do one gesture each seven day period. May it be sending money to an organization (that will be few and far in between... sorry heavens about but a kind of-journalist just doesn't roll in dough) or be it something to help myself, perhaps a fear I need to overcome or someone I need to forgive. Either way I will do it all over this blog. The very few people that read it will have to put up with weeks of me trying new things and I'm sure failing some, if not all, of them. I won't leave out any details and I wont tell you anything the way it did not happen.

Here goes nothing. 

You mean it doesn't have to be right now?

So here I was watching the full 40 minutes Katie Couric interview with Taylor Swift (obviously since the release of her new album her media tour has been my most searched topic) and it hit me. It was nothing that Taylor Swift said, though she did say some great things. It wasn't some epic moment where Katie asked the right question and my entire journalism career made sense. It was actually the very first thing out of Katie's mouth:

"When I was 22 I was working as a waitress..."

WHAT?? You mean to tell me you were not a well known journalist with her own show and great credentials at the age of 22? You mean to tell me Kate, may I call you Kate? That you were not flying around the world asking questions to the most well known stars and influential people? You mean your life wasn't completely figured out with every last "I" in the details singed and dotted?

And then I thought, of course it wasn't! So why do I think mine needs to be? 

See, ever sense I graduated in August I have been so focused on why my life hasn't worked itself out yet, but honestly why would it have? I'm 21 for heavens sake! I'm young and not prepared for the real world. I'm still on my parents insurance. I don't know how to wash clothes, can my red socks go with my white rug? And why do I have red socks? And I live by the motto that you NEED every article of clothing, you just have to decide which ones you want. So why if the hot mess express has broken down at platform Shelby and half a maturity level do I think my career should be that of a fabulous 45 year old?

Though this problem of trying to grow up too fast is something I think many struggle with. We spend our entire childhood trying to be bigger. We want to reach the cookie jar without any help, we want to watch the PG-13 movies at the age of 10. It is human nature to try and advance yourself before you are ready. But why?

Why are we so provoked to read the end of a book before we start the beginning? Then race through the pages like we are at the olympic track? We already know the end!

I have been very sure of a few things in my life. I know I want to be a journalist, a great one. And I know I don't ever, EVER, want to get married. But in thinking these things so surely I have begun to learn other things. 

Like, wanting to be a journalist is great, but it wont happen over night. I knew there would be years of paying dues and that they would amount to triple my student loans (if I'm lucky that will be it). But all along I have assumed it would have happened by now. Silly me. Silly all of us. I am not the only one who wants so badly to be at their ending destination. Rushing there is only going to cause us to miss the parts that truly matter though. The in between. I hate more than anyone when people say "Just enjoy the right now," please people, I want to enjoy the good times not the debt bearing sloppy days. But perhaps the good times are what we make of it.

The perfect example I can think of is a kid wanting a toy. I brought my nephew to a toy store a few weekends ago to pick out his birthday present. Here is a little insight to my nephew, he doesn't really want to have anything to do with me. He is four after all, and I am the aunt he never sees. Except this week. All week he was telling my sister and mom "I got to the toy store!" And when asked who is your best friend "Mommy, Daddy, Poncho, Aunt B." Thats right people! I'm after his smelly pug as 4th best friend! Can't beat that. 

And nothing could beat the look on his face when he was in the store. There were gum balls and cars. Rocks and guns ( which he already had two of). It was the best hour of his day... and then we left. He would hardly show my dad the toys when we got home, and I was no longer his best friend. Brayden is four, but he might be smarter than any of us. He knew that going to the toy store was not to get the toy. Lets be honest, no one wants the toy. Once you get it there is nothing left to look forward to. But when you are wanting it, when you are spending your days talking about it, planning for it, preparing yourself, gosh that toy is the ONLY thing worth living for. 

So why do we rush? Why do we not take the time to stop and smell the roses? 

I've told everyone and their mothers I didn't ever want to get married. I never wanted to be serious with someone. But what if one day I do? What if maybe I think it could be right? Well, then I get crazy. Then I KNOW it is right. I KNOW where it is heading. Right to that isle of wonderful white dresses and happily ever after. Okay, kidding. But honestly from a girls point of view this is what we do. We either know no man will love us or we are ready for those vows. Some share it less than others, or some chose to share only one side as I did for so long saying I would just take the avocado tree on my one bedroom apartment table. We have to have whatever we want right then and there.

But that is the problem. We are hot or we are cold we are never just enjoying. What if for once we just let life takes its toll? What if we waited for that toy? How much happier would we be knowing there is no end goal in sight because the end goal is to live life.

If I could do it all again

After my wonderful experience at the movies alone yesterday I have been thinking a lot about my own high school days. Looking back I remember a lot of good times, and a few bad as well. The further into my memory I got the more things I began to reconsider. I have to be honest, there are a lot of things I would have changed about those four years. Not like I wouldn't have worn that terrible stripped and polkadotted shirt. We all have those thoughts. But change as in what I did and didn't do. Who I tried to be.

Just think about it. I'm sure everyone has these things they would have done differently.

Like when it was cool to dress hoochy for themed parties and Halloween. If I could go back I wouldn't have worn that Harry Potter dress, or those bloomers and bra. I'd be that girl who wore the long skirt and oversized buttondown jacket. Instead I was the girl in the photo, minus the jacket and boobs, plus 40 pounds. It wasn't a good look. And frankly I hated dressing up like that. But lets be honest, when you are in high school and everyone is doing it you are not going to be the girl who doesn't.

And I would have stopped trying so hard to fit in where I didn't. I was always in the popular crowd but frankly, I wasn't popular. The invites were never sent to my door, instead I tagged along with friends. I was never picked to play on the drunk sand vollyball teams, I just sat and watched. When we would go to bonfires I was always the girl in the corner watching. Not in a creepy way, but kind of in a creepy way... Not that I blame the popular kids. No way, they knew how to talk and have fun, they were cool. Hence the popular title. Honestly I'm just not cut out for that. But high school isn't a place to admit it.

If I could go back I would have quit the cheer team when I had the chance. Crazy thing, but after high school no one really cares that you were senior cheer captain. Most people can't even believe I was. And who knew that professional cheerleader isn't an actual full time job. At least not one that could pay my rent and student loans. Try and tell me that in 2009 I would have thrown a fit. But it makes sense now. I can see past the pom-pom's and spirit stick. Back then that was my claim to fame, now it is just a scrapbook in my closet.

Oh, and that boy I was in love with, Ben King, I would have told him. For sure. Not that anything would have come of it, there was no way he would have been seen with me. But I would feel so much less creepy now knowing I just told him instead of memorizing every song he liked... Oh yeah... that did happened. Kings of Leon's lyrics will forever be bruned in my head, along with his yellow and orange plad shirt. He wore it with a brown puffer vest. Yeah, I'm a freak. You were warned. But in high school you crush, you don't make moves. You wish the guys would talk to you and beat yourself up inside about how un perfect you are.

That is the thing about high school, you really just aren't yourself. You don't want to stand out, and those who do are really trying to fit in too. I hate to dumb down the outcast group, I truly wish you all were the ones who marked the path. The halls would shine so much brighter. But everyone in high school is just the same. You are all fighting to fit in by standing out. If you want to be the best football player, or the darkest goth, the nerdiest nerd, or the prettiest cheerleader. In the end you are all striving for the same thing. If I could do it over though, I'd strive for my own thing.

Movie date with none other than me!

Today I went to the movies... all alone! This has been something I have wanted to do for some time now. The anticipation grew every time I would think about going through with it.

'Okay Shelby, this time you will do it. Just drive to the theater, walk up to the line, order a ticket, and you are done.'

But it never worked out. I never could go through with it. Until today.

This anticipation had been building in me since I realized Perks of Being a Wallflower was showing in Lubbock a mere 36 hours ago. I knew then, that it was the right time. This WAS the perfect movie. See, I just finished reading the book, and falling in love.

I have a habit of being taken away by the pages of a novel and this was no different. Charlie is the misfit-fit in that I can correlate with. And who doesn't love a good high school story? I know I do!

So back to the movies. This experience was going to be one I never forget. I told myself this as I drove up to the theater an hour early. Don't think I was taking this opportunity to be different. No no, I wanted to be my true self, which includes getting everywhere early. For the theater it was a bit too early.

They were closed... awkward.

I waited. Finally getting my ticket I mad a pit stop for the restroom (knowing I wouldn't be interrupting this experience) and found my seat. By the way, movies at 1:30 have maybe five people in them. Glorious.

The next two hours were spent in a frenzy of self-loving, self-loathing, and self-respect. For the first time ever I was experiencing a movie alone. It was thrilling! Every scene was captivating, the movie as a whole was all I had to worry about.

You don't realize how much you try to impress other when seeing a movie. Am I sitting up straight so my date thinks I'm cute? Why won't he hold my hand? Should I laugh right now or will my friends think I'm dumb? My hand... if I put it closer to the cup holder will he hold it? Should I pee or wait so no one has to move? Jesus! Just hold my hand!

All these thoughts are demolished when alone. I laughed, I cried, I crossed and uncrossed my legs with ease. It was a beautiful thing!

Though this experience would have never been the same if not for the movie I saw. Let me tell you something, Perks of Being a Wallflower may be one of my top five films of all time. And frankly, I don't watch movies so that is a big thing to say. It's captivating message carries you back to a time where you can relate. I had heard the novel brought people out of depression, acted like a friend, but I didn't understand the full effect until comparing both. It was simply a beautiful thing.

I sauntered out of the movie fresh and a bit sad. Sad the experience was over, sad that I can no longer say I will see my first movie alone, and frankly sad by the movies message. But that was a good sad.